Do you remember your first orgasm; the euphoria that rushed over your body, leaving you feeling ultimate relaxation and satisfaction? Maybe you didn’t realize then that you would probably end up chasing this feeling like a drug. People go so far as to stick their penises in warm apple pie or stick flutes up their vaginas at band camp just to experience this unique pleasure explosion. Sometimes the orgasm by itself just isn’t enough, so people try to bang the sexiest weekend prospy, use special toys, or buy the tingliest lube just to make the feeling even better.

During an orgasm, all these crazy changes in your body and brain contribute to the incredible feeling. Parts of the brain become almost silent, while others become extremely active. Hormone levels (specifically for you scientists, oxytocin and prolactin) increase like crazy. In my own senior thesis, I’m hoping to see whether the level of change of oxytocin is related to how good an orgasm is (the best part is that participants will get paid to jack off!).

So these thoughts lead me to propose the following questions: How do you get to your best orgasm? What does it feel like? And what can you do when you have trouble reaching orgasm?

First, let’s read about some of the results of this week’s survey, which had 245 participants. Eighty-five percent of women who answered the survey have had an orgasm, while the other 15 percent have either not had one or are not sure. Ninety-eight percent of men said they have had an orgasm. When asked when they have their best orgasms, more than three out of five men said vaginal sex, while only one out of five women did. About one quarter of both men and women said oral sex gives them the best orgasms. Finally, one in four of women reported their best orgasms to be during masturbation, where only one in ten of men did.

The results of this part of the survey speak to some interesting gender and individual differences. A lot of men don’t seem to realize that women don’t have their best orgasms during vaginal sex, and women, in return, don’t understand why men are so obsessed with vaginal sex. For women, sex can bring pleasure in other ways, such as full-body touch or emotional connection, but not necessarily through a mind-blowing orgasm. Also, almost equal numbers of women have their best orgasms during masturbation, oral sex, or vaginal sex, so there is no definitive answer about the best way to make a woman come.

Though what happens during men’s and women’s orgasms is biologically different, descriptions were pretty similar for each gender. The most common words were euphoric, waves, pulsing, melting, intense, explosive, rush, release, and tingling. Some people described the feeling quite beautifully and poetically. Here’s an example: “My head starts swirling, I can feel my heartbeat in every part of my body, my muscles begin to stiffen, and then with each wave, I can feel the hairs on my arm stand up. It feels like the first time I felt the ocean all over me.” Many people had trouble describing the feeling, but as one male said, “The beauty of it is that a good orgasm is indescribable.”

So it’s pretty obvious that orgasms are incredible. However, I don’t believe it’s true that the orgasm must be the ultimate goal during a sexual encounter, as even the process of getting there feels amazing. Unfortunately, the pressure to have an orgasm is rampant. Porn shows orgasms occuring easily at the culmination of every sexual encounter, and movies, television, and magazines imply or directly state that everyone should always strive to come. Partners inadvertently pressure each other and pressure themselves, sometimes to the extent that anxiety itself actually prevents the orgasm. This is likely the reason that more than half of the females and one quarter of the males in this week’s survey have faked an orgasm.

Even though so many people have faked, participants’ comments show an overwhelmingly negative attitude toward faking, saying that, on top of doing nothing to improve sex, it’s dishonest, unfair, and ultimately hurtful to the other person. Those who have faked report having done it to end the sexual encounter or make their partner feel good. I don’t see anything wrong with winding down the session without coming, instead of pretending you did. It’s easy to express, if your partner is upset, that it felt good even though you didn’t come. It’s also easy to communicate what would help you come in the future. As one student said, “I think sex should be pleasurable, so if it’s not, something needs to be fixed.” The worst part is that you’ll probably get stuck in a vicious cycle of not feeling good during sex, faking your orgasm, and not being able to tell your partner how to actually make you come because he or she already thinks you are coming.

So, while I’ve said it before, the best way to improve your orgasms is to know yourself and communicate your wants and needs to your partner. Think about it, and assert what gets you off. Experiment with yourself and your partner if you’re still not sure what feels best. And even if there are days when your body isn’t cooperating and you are having trouble orgasming, don’t sweat it! It happens to everyone (and more often than you think). While it can be frustrating, you can still have an incredibly pleasurable experience without coming. Remember: even though they feel pretty damn good, orgasms don’t need to be the ultimate goal.