“I wish I orgasmed more easily from intercourse.” “It makes me feel inadequate.” “I don’t last very long in bed, which is frustrating.” Statements like these from anonymous 5C students are oh-so-rare when we talk about sex with our friends. After all, it’s much more fun to talk about our memorable romps and favorite techniques. But how are we going to improve our sex lives if we ignore the difficult aspects of sex?

Even we youngsters in the prime of our sexual years have had something not work perfectly during sex. Maybe you’ve come earlier than you would’ve liked, not become wet or hard enough, had trouble coming, or not felt in the mood for sexy time at all. I’m sure many people feel alone or abnormal when their bodies don’t react as they’d hope. What many people might call “imperfect” sexual function (and what I define as whenever your body and mind are out of sync during sex) is actually incredibly common and completely normal. It can help to hear about others’ experiences and to learn about some simple ways to improve the way we work down there.

Of the 136 people who took this week’s survey, which was an adapted version of the Female Sexual Function Index (FSFI), 100 percent of men reported at least moderate sexual desire while one in five women reported their sexual desire to be low or nonexistent. Two thirds of men reported they were almost always able to become and stay erect, while only one third of women said they easily became and stayed wet. Three quarters of men and less than half of women reached orgasm during the majority of sexual activity, and a fifth of women almost never did. Three quarters of women and half of men reported being at least partially satisfied with their overall sex lives. The data show a pretty big difference between males and females, with females reporting more sexual issues than men; interestingly, women also reported greater satisfaction with their sex lives!

A critical problem is that a lot of us hold high and unrealistic expectations about sex and our own functioning. It’s common for women to expect men to be hard as rocks and ready to go at a moment’s notice, and men expect women to come easily from hard pounding during sex. We often expect our partners and ourselves to be or do something that is not always possible, and our own satisfaction often depends on that. One female acknowledged these expectations when she said, “I feel pressure to have an orgasm just as quickly as my partner does. I’ve set up simultaneous orgasm as a goal for myself and attaining that does cause me some stress.” A male said he feels that a lot of male sexual dysfunction occurs because “there’s more pressure on guys to ‘perform.’”

If we could only be more comfortable, honest, and realistic with ourselves, our peers, and our partners, we could learn about common frustrations and how to successfully overcome them. It is especially important to talk to your partner about anything that might be causing you distress so that you can figure out how to make it better. As one male said, “Talking about a dysfunction with one’s partner might be intimidating, but talking about it is not only a way to get it off your chest, it might actually lead to an understanding between partners that was previously missing.”

Besides the ever-important communication, there are some more simple ways to help your fun parts work more in your favor. Your sexual functioning can drastically change depending on who your partner is, whether you’ve drunk or have done drugs, how stressed you are, what method of birth control you are using, your diet, or natural hormonal fluctuations. There are a lot of websites and books dedicated to optimizing orgasms. For example, Becoming Orgasmic by Julia Heiman is a popular and informative book for women that covers everything from changing your beliefs about sex to changing your diet in order to, well, become orgasmic.

One final point of interest is that while college is a mecca of casual sex, many people say that they function the best with a long-term sex partner. One male’s response was representative of a common problem: “I have overall functioned better with long-term partners, possibly because my experiences with casual partners have often involved copious amounts of alcohol.” Another male captured the best part about a long-term sex partner when he said, “I love developing an intimate understanding of one another.” While casual sex is an exciting frolic into the unknown, it’s not typically easy to talk about functional problems or to develop that intimacy. As one female put it, “The vagina is a dark cavern, and it takes some intense exploring inside and out.” This type of intimate exploration can often only be done in the context of a committed sexual relationship.

If you are not happy about the way you function, don’t give up hope or feel too down! First of all, you are not alone. And second, there are so many little things you can do to improve the way you work and to feel better about it. Alter your method of birth control, drink less alcohol, eat healthy, exercise, and minimize stress. Most of all, talk to your partner. Remember, sex is like pizza: even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.