John: Only you can decide what to believe.But listen. When director Olatunde Osunsanmi was five years old, he had a bright red toy firetruck. Oh! how he loved it. He would run along the streets where he lived shouting, “Look! Look at my beautiful firetruck!” But one day someone, some…thing came and took Olatunde’s firetruck away from him.After that, Olatunde was never the same. His friends tried to comfort him, to tell him that there would be other firetrucks. They did not understand, because they had not seen what Olatunde had seen—the alien menace that had stolen his toy.Recently recovered documentary evidence illuminates the disappearance of Olatunde’s firetruck. The following excerpt was taken from Olatunde’s journal on the day he first encountered nonhuman intelligences from another world.“I talked to George, who is the man who works in the store on the corner where I was playing with my firetruck before the aliens took it. He said, ‘The aliens definitely took your firetruck. I saw them too, Olatunde.’”That’s documented evidence staring you in the face. The simple fact is that toy firetrucks disappear every day. Who is to say that aliens are not taking them?Aliens can make toy firetrucks. With the technology to travel millions of lightyears in space, how could they not? Having made these firetrucks, they would come back to check on them, because only the best toy firetrucks are allowed to stay on Earth. Olatunde knows this. That’s why he created

The Fourth Kind

, so that the world could realize the presence of alien life on this planet. From there it should be obvious to anyone that aliens took his toy firetruck.Dan: If you’re not annoyed by this yet, imagine listening to it for an hour and forty minutes.John: I didn’t think it was that bad.Dan:

The Fourth Kind

is a movie of the very lowest caliber and fails on so many levels it is difficult to know where to begin.Rarely does any movie, even a documentary, exert this much energy to convince you that what you’re seeing is “real.” This effectively focuses the movie on its purported validity and not on characterization or story-telling, and consequently it has neither. “Everything you see is supported by archived footage,” says Milla Jovovich at the beginning, as the camera for no reason spins around her at vomit-inducing speeds. Most of the movie is spent zooming in on tape recorders while “real” audio plays, as if to say, “THIS IS A DEVICE THAT PLAYS REAL RECORDINGS. HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT?”Easy. The same way you explain the mysterious Dr. Abigail Tyler, the movie’s “protagonist.” No one had ever heard of her until, one month before the movie’s release, a biographical website about her appeared and then disappeared around the time people started investigating. The whole thing is totally fabricated, which would have been laughably obvious but when the director himself appears on screen to declare its validity, it becomes insultingly stupid.John: Oh, I thought you were talking about the firetruck thing.Dan: You can’t just lie to people. And if you do, at least make some effort to make it a coherent lie, nevermind a believable one.John: I lied about the firetruck.Dan: The movie takes place in Nome, Alaska. Look up a picture of Nome online and imagine actually living there and this will scare you more than anything in the movie; since The Fourth Kind was actually filmed in a beautiful Bulgarian village, this terror is lost. The disappearances in Nome were investigated by the FBI, and they concluded that they were the result of people drinking too much and getting lost in the snow.I realized eventually that I did not care if the movie was made up. Most good movies are. But maybe if the movie spent less time trying to convince us it was real and more time making everything else about it suck less, then it might have been a solid, entertaining flick. Alas, it didn’t, and it was awful. No character is remotely likeable or relatable. You know the movie’s a fake when Dr. Tyler cries when the police remove her horrible, monstrous son from her custody, and we are asked to believe she feels sad. In real life if that kid was taken from her it would be the greatest thing that ever happened to her.John: But bear this in mind. The whereabouts of Olatunde’s firetruck are still unknown.