Alright, raise your hand if you’ve ever gotten destroyed in class. Y’know, put a nip o’ Beefeater in an Aramark mug and went off to O-Chem or Mo-Bio? This includes professors, mind you (Drew remembers the class he took from Dr. Sontag, so don’t be shy. We know who ya are!). Let’s face it. The majority of you, Pomona Students, have not gotten stymied, ruined, or annihilated, in class. Well, we have. Ha! We win! You lose!

We’re gonna tell you ‘bout the time we got tore-up in class, right after we ask you one more question. Alright, raise your hand if you’ve ever masturbated in class. Good, cause, um, neither have we.

So we got up at like hella-in-the-mornin’ and Richard had a beer as he walked over to turn off the alarm. Then he had another in the shower, making sure to keep the Herbal Essence and the Lucky Lager separate. "Hurry up, Richard!" Drew yelled, "It’s almost eight twenty, and we haven’t done the reading for ID 1 yet! I’m scared that Thee Professor will put the dunce cap on me and stick me in the corner, like the last time."

Richard said, mouth full of Too-Lazy-To-Brush Listerine, "Yeah, if he does that again, I’m gonna cry. Then I’m gonna punch him in the neck."

So then we went to breakfast at Frank, where we found many first-years studying (and as a side note, Richard failed to "get some of that"). We pulled out the reading and highlighted the first word from each paragraph, so’s to get a "feel" for the text. What did we learn?

"Although... Many... Substantially... Yet... Foucault... Fuck... Existentialism... Philosophy... Biology... PoliticalScience... "Media studies"... Pomona... College... Ha... Ha... Ha... SchoolSux... The End."

Needless to say, we were well prepared to make pretentious comments in class that would only serve to make us look better than the other students. And off we went, propelled by a wave of cheese egg-fed first-years.

Drew Eastman Rich just got clowned by the cool kids in the back of the ID 1.

First off, we elbowed a few kids in the eye to get the front row seats. Then we pulled out our briefcases and placed them on the seminar desk in front of us. Drew pulled out a slide rule, five erasable pens, graph paper, a metric-system-to-correct-American-system conversion chart, masking tape for his glasses, and an apple for the teacher. Richard pulled out a forty ounce of Olde English and got to work. Then Thee Professor arrived, and said, "Good morning, class." Everybody said, "Good morning, Thee Professor," except for the Inland Emperors, who made fart noises with their armpits. Then we all said the Pledge of Allegiance, and meant it, dammit!

Thee Professor said something. Some girl in the back responded with something. Some tool in the second row said something else, then someone else said something to the tool, and really showed him up!

Then Drew said, "But hey. Although many substantially yet Foucault fuck existentialism philosophy, ha ha ha! Y’know?" Then nobody laughed. Or said anything. For eight minutes. Then Richard fell out of his chair. Then everybody laughed. Someone said, "Hey comedian! Do that fart thing again!" So Richard promptly put his hands to his mouth and made a fart sound. Bwahahaha! Anyway, the point is, Richard was drinking O.E. in the I.D., and that is very funny.

So we’re not doing the column next semester, so feel free to go abroad, you won’t miss anything. Thanks for liking our column. And if you didn’t like our column, who are you? Send donations to: Us. Write us at oe_in_the_ie@hotmail.com or you got no skillz.