In my life as a small time runner for a big time drug outfit based somewhere south of the border, I have spent a lot of time on the freeways of Southern California–more specifically, trolling through LA’s serpentine beasts. Freeways move me in many ways. Literally, they move me from here to Mama’s house. Figuratively, as a great metaphor for life, they move me emotionally. They release me and my car to explore the sensual heights of high-speed motoring. And what devilish phenomenon too often confounds my pursuit of driving bliss? Why, freeway interchanges, of course.

Freeway interchanges are like transition times in your life when anything can happen. They can stop your forward movement, force you to take a different tack, slow you down, cause you to move in fits and starts, turn you around, or slip right through. Ideally, you can just continue on at full speed

Without further philosophical BS, let me let you read about how to approach that finicky freeway exchange that is just down the road from your front door.

Freeway interchanges are rated from worst to best for maximal flow and enjoyment. (Some freeway exchanges, while deserving, failed to make the cut. Apologies to the 10 and 405 exchange. You too, 605)

1) (tie) 10 and 15 Freeways, Ontario, CA : Damned if I don’t hate this fucking stretch of road. Eastbound is a problem at all hours of the day. Headed west after a couple days in Vegas or Palm Springs will be your perfect version of a nice weekend gone awry. Kosher Recommendation: Stay left! The freeway entrance and exits are on the right, so everyone is over there. Bet on left for maximum passing power. Moreover, from the left lane you can admire more of the Ontario sights, lying just on the other side of those pasty white barriers and 5 lanes of slow death commuters. Asshole Recommendation (Westbound only) After all the I-15 traffic has cut off speeding possibilities by merging into the sacred (and oft disrespected) left lane, you can cut right and exploit the overly generous exit lane which stretches for nearly a mile on the right up until the Fourth Street exit. At Fourth Street you will need to cut in, so don’t be afraid to get the bright lights on yo’ ass from upset and frequently pitifully slow right laners.

Untitled # 3 from Freeway Series, 1994, Catherine Opie Courtesy MoCA

2) N 110 and the 5 Just North of Downtown, LA This is really a thrillingly fun interchange to mess with, an antiquated freeway system right out of the old country. So, like in the Wild West, I recommend you play by your own rules. Headed north on the 110 at just about any time of the day traffic in the left lane will JAM, I mean stop dead in its tracks. Recommendation: So if you thought my storehouse of wisdom was basically "stay left" — WRONG. Get to the right before you die in a rear end collision of epic proportions. I am serious. Get right. But then watch out because traffic merging from the right tends to be made up of suicidal/kamikaze mergers with no care for their lives or the lives of their loved ones strapped in the back seat–let alone you or me! These people have no merge lane, so they are damn crazed lunatics. Let’s just say there’s a hell of a lot of skid marks just before these merge areas. Those are your tires screeching to a halt if you play this card too long. But if you play it right, finding a middle lane, you’ll be able to freely glance to the left at the poor saps trying to get on the 5 via a one lane, 30 mph ramp (that’s right, one lane!). Note: Once past the traffic, get out of the right lane–those mergeless, often blind entrances onto the freeway continue tweve miles north to Pasadena.

3) E/W 10 and the 57/210 NS/EW See all those letters to the left of this sentence? In freeway terms they spell "hellish fucking traffic." Despite some truly beautiful freeway architecture at this juncture, and the thrilling vistas to be found at the edge of the Pomona Valley, this interchange sucks. On the 10 stay left. Westbound it ain’t half bad. Eastbound? It’s too painful to talk about. Just stay left and pray to God you aren’t there during the hours of, say, daylight. Oh, and if you are merging onto the E 10 get left fast, they seem to have repaved the 2 right lanes when it was "workers smooth the cement with their hands day" or the steamroller was on heavy barbiturates. It’s nice if you like that "offroad" feel for your freeway experience.

4) EW 105 and the NS 110 Ah, freeway bliss. If Martians landed here I would be proud, because this man made wonder is functional art on a epic scale. If I die tomorrow in a fiery freeway accident it will be enough to have lived in a time when they built this kind of road for everyone to use, rich or poor, legal or illegal, straight or gay, tall or short, deaf or blind. This is American car liberty at its grandest. The 110’s ramps shoot up and spilt East and West like a concrete goddess emerging from the Hades of our meager landed existence. At 90 mph and nearly nine stories in the air YOU ARE FLYING, and that’s freeway Zen. Even if you’re alone, I recommend you risk the ticket in the carpool lane to reach for the smoggy sky on your way up, up, up those goddamned beautiful ramps. Oh and the way down! Talk about a great way to explore your car’s top speed! This is like a Darter Demon ramp for the real world. So take your friends, your kids, your pets, for a sublime roller coaster ride, and ride it like a chariot ejaculating into the unknown.

The freeway world is rough and tumble. In order to find happiness you must invariably become one with the monstrous 10-laned beasts that have devoured LA’s landscapes. Only when you have learned to live with the beast will you truly gain power over it. So take to the roads. Now! And do it by choice, not by necessity – and make your car, your love machine, your ticket out – proud to prowl the grandest, the gravest, and yes the greatest interchanges the world has ever known. Stick this article under your sun visor as a guide.