Maybe you’ve noticed our new hats? They’re an 80/20 acrylic/wool blend with an adjustable one-size-fits-all snap-back and a handy wide brim to protect our delicate, imperial faces from the blazin’ hot sun. They’re top quality. That’s the Bangladeshi factory way. Sadly, you, Pomona Student, can’t own one. And what many of you do not know is that we have also made an entire line of I.E. Regal-Wear®, each complete with the fancy-schmancy I.E. logo. But you can’t have those either. We have not the resources to satisfy Pomona College’s insatiable demand. We have no cash register. We have no circular racks to display the I.E. Regal-Wear® Capes. We have no high school labor. We have no track lighting. We have no permit to dispense alcoholic beverages to minors in our store (but that shouldn’t be hard to get). All we have is a good product. But where could we find a cash register? A circular rack? A lot of rent-a-cops looking to arrest TSL columnists? That’s easy, silly. It’s at the Inland Empire’s mercantile hub, the Montclair Plaza!

Drew Eastman Malt-clair plaza: drink til’ you drop, then get up and shop.

Richard woke up Saturday morning sayin’ to himself, "My golly. I need somethin’ to get me motivated, to get my motor runnin’, to get my mojo workin’!" So he tipped all the excess alcohol from his blue recycle bin into his grateful mouth. "Woo-ee! A.M. ALE!" Drew smiled, watching his alcoholic friend so daintily quench his thirst. Then he brought Richard his I.E. Regal-Wear® Bunny Slippers and went to go pluck his shoulder hairs. So Richard hopped out of bed with the help of his I.E. Regal-Wear® Bunny Slippers and the recycle bin left-overs and scurried over to the fridge.

Richard yelled out, "Hey Drew!"

Drew replied, "Shut up! I’m tryin’ to pop this durned zit on my tushie!"

"Oh," sighed Richard, "I was just thinking how fun and easy it would be to drink Olde English if we had an unlimited Olde English dispenser in our refrigerator. Hmm, I guess it’s never going to be fun and easy to drink Olde English 800 Brand."

"But wait," Drew said as he appeared in the doorway, eyebrow comb in hand. "It’s always fun and easy to drink Olde English when you’re wearing I.E. Regal-Wear®!" Then he tossed Richard an I.E. Regal-Wear® Baby-Tee and an ice-cold 40 ouncer of that malt liquor tapped right from the Fountain of Youth. Richard chugged the 40 oz. in 15 seconds and ripped the baby-tee right off his body! Aargh! Then he donned the I.E. Regal-Wear® Hockey Jersey, the I.E. Regal-Wear® Fake Mullet Ball Cap and the I.E. Regal-Wear® Fanny Pack and we headed to the mall.

We took Foothill east and made a right on Central. The mall was on our right just before the freeway. We had a quick huddle and decided that the best places to sell our wares and goods would be the department stores. The Macy’s sign loomed large over our heads. Drew threw the burlap sack with the entire I.E. Regal-Wear® Line over his shoulder, and Richard threw his first empty O.E. bottle at a baby carriage. Then we opened the double doors to the ArborEATum food court and prepared to be salesmen.

Richard decided that the drunk salesman isn’t the best salesman, so he took his next 40 oz. and a I.E. Regal-Wear® Bib into the Sears dressing room. "Just these two items, ma’am. Just the O.E. and the I.E. Regal-Wear® Bib." Drew followed him in so he could put on his I.E. Regal-Wear® Tuxedo for optimum selling performance. Then he had an idea. He found the returns desk and said to Sears employee Craig, "Excuse me, Craig. I’d like a full refund on my unsatisfactory purchase." Then he poured the entire I.E. Regal-Wear® Line on Craig’s desk. I.E. Regal-Wear® Hoodie Sweatshirts and I.E. Regal-Wear® Jumpsuits littered the floor. Craig took one look at the I.E. Regal-Wear® Ski Gloves and called security. Drew ran back through the women’s section hootin’ an’ hollerin’ with the rent-a-cops close on his I.E. Regal-Wear® Flat-Front Slacks. Richard recognized the Super-Secret Inland Emperor Distress Call, "Damnit! The friggin’ cops are chasing me!" He remembered the First Rule of O.E. in the I.E., never abandon the 40 oz., and stuffed the warm container into his I.E. Regal-Wear® Knee Socks before he ran for the door. The Inland Emperors made it, but Drew saw that filthy scoundrel Craig sneak a pair of I.E. Regal-Wear® Crotchless Panties into his breast pocket.

We stopped to catch our breath at the closest retail clothing store, Hot Topic. We wanted to make some jokes about Hot Topic for the column, but we just couldn’t for the life of us find anything inherently funny about Hot Topic. Oh well. So we left with our I.E. Regal-Wear® Korn Tee-Shirts and our I.E. Regal-Wear® Feather Boas still in the bags.

Richard started whinin’ about his sweet tooth for heavily-sugared malt liquor. Now, you can’t just go around drinkin’ 40 ouncers in a mall, for cryin’ out loud. So we secluded ourselves in the private confines of the mall’s glass elevator, and Richard drank about ten ounces between the first and second floors. Then we hit up the Lady Foot Locker to see what they said about our I.E. Regal-Wear® Cross-Trainers and our I.E. Regal-Wear® Wind-Breakers. "Excuse me, Miss Referee. Would you be interested in our wares and goods?" They just weren’t havin’ it. Then we went to see our friends at the Gap. "Excuse me, Mr. Tool-of-the-Establishment (these weird modern marriages, with all the hyphens and what not). Would you be interested in our wares and goods?" We were informed that the Gap had already made their annual purchase of I.E. Regal-Wear® fleece Vests and I.E. Regal-Wear® Quarter Socks. Richard threw up on a pair of cargo pants and we left.

It looks like the I.E. Regal-Wear® Line is going to be strictly independent, just like Ross Perot. Sucks for you, Pomona Student. Sucks for us too, as we’re left with a warehouse full o’ I.E. Regal-Wear® Richard Nixon Masks.