I hope y’all are enjoying Alcohol Awareness Week. We certainly are! We went to Chino! Hey, wanna hear about it?

Well, to begin with, Drew has set a new record for the Emperors by cracking open the ol’ Olde English before the cock crowed. Yep, 4:30 AM, on his way out to milk the cows. But, Chino don’t come to you, you gotta go to it! The early bird gets the Chino! You can take the boy outta the Chino, but you can’t take the Chino outta the boy! But, you, Pomona Student, may be asking, "Why Chino?" We’ll tell you why! Because Richard thinks it smells like home (Drew can’t smell it, seeing as how he lost his nose in the war). You see, Richard is from Missouri, home of Walt Disney, Sam Walton, Steve McQueen, pirates, the Missouri Waltz, Harry Truman, Olde English 800 Brand, San Francisco (which was mysteriously relocated to California in 1849), Jim the Wonder Dog, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, the band Nazareth (as well as Boston, Kansas, Chicago, and America, for heaven’s sake), and the bewitching scent of cattle and hog manure in tributaries of the Missouri River. Ah, the Big Muddy...

Richard Caperton Chino XL: The Emperors dip into local politics...

To get to Chino, we took the 10 East and exited at Central Ave., where we headed south. The thing that sucks most about going to Chino is having to say, "Goodbye," to Montclair. The best thing about Montclair is that it’s not Chino. You’ll know you’re there when you see the sign: "Chino: Gateway to the West." The first thing that we did in Chino, besides be bored, was to look for a nice public place for Drew to get real drunk. Unfortunately, the first public park we saw was hosting the annual Chino Police Officers’ Picnic. Confound it! What were we to do? Drew’s 40 Oz. wasn’t getting any colder and he wasn’t getting any drunker. And it wasn’t getting any legaler to be drunk in public or to have an open container in the Chino City Park. But, the Inland Emperors are dedicated to la causa! Drew jumped outta the car and started poundin’ that swill, and Richard jumped on the hood of a paddywagon shouting, "Live free or die! Live free or die!" Evidently, the Chino Police Department is okay with kids who want to "live free," seeing as how they just continued to roast their weenies (tee-hee, "weenies") and watching their kids enjoy the tiger-shaped inflatable bouncy-room. Then the kids enjoyed Drew as he mounted the tiger-shaped inflatable bouncy-room and "rode it like a big boy." Then we realized that we were standing in the middle of a whole herd of cops! Aiiee! So we ran like the dickens!

Yep. Like the dickens!

We were still pretty bored with Chino at this point, so we went driving in search of some Fun. Fun with a capital "Fun." During the search, we passed by the California Institute for Men. Drew said, "Is that like DeVry?" Richard laughed at Drew’s naivete, saying, "No, you silly goose! You dirty sonofabitch! That there is a state prison!" The Inland Emperors then reflected on how much it would suck if we got caught before doing our column. We stopped the car, got out, and shed a collective tear for the inmates. Drew poured out a little sumpin-sumpin for the homies locked down. Then he got on all fours and frantically tried to lap up the malt liquor from the cement.

Richard Caperton Beef: It’s what’s for dinner....

We got back in the car and decided to head home, as Chino had nothing more to offer us. And nor will it have anything to offer you, Pomona Student. Our day was summed up by the sign we saw on the way outta town: "You are now leaving Chino, a sucky town." We looked at each other and nodded in agreement. Indeed, a sucky town. As best we can tell, Chino is a sucky town. A sucky town, indeed. Yes, sir, a sucky town.

But we didn’t come here to talk to you about drinking Olde English in the Inland Empire! Rather, we want to talk to you about Alcohol Awareness Week (silly us, we thought it was Alcohol APPRECIATION Week). Several people have expressed concern with our column’s content, and we think that this is a good chance to clear some things up. Responsible drinking is of the utmost importance to the Inland Emperors. In keeping with this, only one of us drinks while doing the column. The other refrains from ANY alcohol consumption and is the responsible friend who drives and watches out for the drinker’s well-being. Also, the responsible friend monitors the drinker to make sure he’s not drinking too much. We trust each other and we know that it’s important to know and trust the people that we’re drinking with. If you have any questions or concerns about responsible drinking or Alcohol Awareness Week, please call Health Education Outreach at x73602. If you have any questions or comments for us, feel free to write us at oe_in_the_ie@hotmail.com.

Also, if you’ve got his private home phone number, feel free to call President Peter W. Stanley at any time during the night. Tell him the Emperors sent ya’!