When Drew and Richard aren’t out hootin’ and hollerin’, and carousin’ and such, we’re bored. We know you are too. For cryin’ out loud, you live in the Inland Empire. But we’re gonna fix that. Did you know that in the Pomona Valley alone there are over three thousand entries in the National Register of Historic Places? Well, probably not, but what fun and exciting history and heritage we do have in the I.E., when seen while under the influence of a warm bottle of Olde English Brand 800! For instance, we have a petting zoo just forty-five short minutes away in Yucaipa. Hey, have a seat and let us break you off a piece of the majesty that is the Inland Empire.

Richard Caperton Is that Olde English on Your Breath? That’s ok I still love ewe.

During the summer, Drew is a camp counselor in Oak Glen, California, right near bustling Yo-Yo-Yucaipa. Some weeks, when the kids aren’t actin’ up and horse-playin’ and runnin’ underpants up the flagpole and throwin’ burritos around the mess hall and givin’ wedgies and wet willies and cryin’ for their mommies and peein’ their pants and divin’ from the shallow end and all that truck, the counselors take the kids on a hike down the road to the Oak Tree Village Petting Zoo. Imagine that! Not only do the kids get a heapin’ helpin’ of Lutheran theology, but they also get to feed emus! So, last Saturday at brunch, we decided to bring the magic of the Oak Tree Village Petting Zoo to where it belongs, a small, private, liberal arts college with no petting zoo of its own. So Drew got himself two Miller Lites from the fridge, and Richard warmed up the old Taurus, and off we went to the Village Market (another gem of the I.E.) for forty ounces of Olde English.

We took the 10 East, evidently the same route that a lot of mullet-headed, slimy apes take at one o’clock on a Saturday afternoon. Our first run-in with the law was shortly after one o’clock, as the first po-po was spotted. The pig wasn’t directly on our tail, or calling us in to the HQ, or even looking in our direction, but we knew that we were in trouble. So we ran. Several other close calls with the badge happened during our drive back. We ran from them, too. But, luckily for our readers, we eluded the efforts of the Man and got past Redlands in one piece. We got off at Yucaipa Boulevard, made a left off of the ramp and veered right into downtown Yucaipa, home of Jim’s "Whatta" Steak. We made a left on Bryant, passed one stop sign, and made a right at the light at Oak Glen Road, passing the world’s largest Stater Bros. We took Oak Glen up the hill, past Harris Ranch (the dirty, stinking, capitalist, plutocrat tourist trap in Oak Glen, California, may the owners rot in eternal damnation) and pulled into the Oak Tree Village parking lot. Whoopee! We went behind a billboard and immediately started in on the 40 oz.

Richard Caperton Wish I may... Wish I might... That my wish, comes true tonight...

After savoring several ounces of the warm, yellowish, malted nectar of the gods, we gave our two dollars apiece to the attractive young woman working the gate (as a side note, Richard failed to "get some of that"). Inside the first and only pen open to the public, Drew immediately petted the furriest thing he could find: an out-of-work stunt double named Wild Bill! Wild Bill had a beard down to his Batman-style utility belt and he looked at Drew with one beady eye and Richard with the other. As Bill had a mild speech impediment, and as the note-taker was faded, we didn’t really understand what he was saying most of the time. But we did understand that this petting zoo had one of four albino, part-cow, part-Brahma Bull midgets in the world. Can you believe it? You, Pomona Student, have been missing out on one of four albino, part-cow, part-Brahma Bull midgets in the world! Richard fed some baby goats with some of the twenty-five cent feed while Drew listened to Wild Bill babble incoherently. That was the end of the animals that we could pet, so we made fun of the llama that got its proboscis stuck in a fence. Ha ha, stupid llama.

Richard Caperton Trips to the petting zoo can be very tiring. Rest and rehydration are necessary.

We went behind the defunct snack shack, the Niddy-Noddy, to focus on peeing and getting Drew salty. Evidently, somebody had that idea already, as there were a few empty Coronas tossed in the foliage. After some drinkin’ and cursin’, Richard and Drew figured that there were no more animals to be petted or fed. Boy were we wrong! At the very exit of the zoo, Drew’s heart was stolen by the final exhibit, Charlie the Pygmy Goat (capra hircus). Pygmy goats originated in Sweden, and are usually no higher than twenty-one inches at their shoulders. This means that Drew had to get on his knees to give Charlie that sloppy kiss. It was very romantic to kiss through the fence. It felt like Charlie was going off to war, and Drew knew that he wasn’t coming back.

All in all, the petting zoo sucked. I mean really, you couldn’t even pet the gosh darned animals, for the love of Pete. Geez, the caretaker was an unemployed, bearded, stunt man with a fixation on Kevin Sorbo (you know, television’s Hercules?). But it was great getting sauced around all those seven year-olds and their moms and dads. So, if you don’t have anything to do next Saturday, don’t complain to us. Grab a 40 oz. and take the Sagehen Shuttle to the Oak Tree Village Petting Zoo. Tell them the Inland Emperors sent you.