Now it is time for Ask Mr. Opinion Man.

Q. Mr. Opinion man, I am a psychology student doing research on annoying unoriginal morons with no sense of humor. I am very frustrated as I cannot find anyone to study. Do you have any recommendations?

A. Dear Frustrated, try staking out the fire alarm in your dorm next weekend. You’re bound to find subjects that are perfect for your study.

Q. But Mr. Opinion man, didn’t you advocate pranks on campus in your last article? (Editor’s Note: See "Article I Sure As Hell Wasn’t Gonna Look Up," October 15.)

A. Certainly. However, I am a fan of another type of prank. Allow me to clarify. A good prank is one that satisfies the following conditions: 1) It requires originality. 2) It has not been done before (If you are confused see #1). 3) It does not ruin a party for everyone. 4) It results in more than annoyance. In short, it is not performed by unoriginal losers.

Q. Mr. Opinion Man, I missed brunch on Saturday and went to the Coop to eat. I ordered a hamburger and fries. I then did my laundry, wrote a ten page paper, lifted weights, emailed the entire graduating class from my high school, and arranged my porcelain doll collection by height. When I returned to the Coop I only had to wait 5 minutes for my burger to be done. What do you think of this?

A. Dear (there is no good name for you), I too was, let us say, disheveled upon my last attempt to eat at the Coop as I waited 57 minutes for a turkey sandwich. However, I found that the Coop is the slowest cooking establishment west of the nearest Omish (sic) community for good reason. It seems the Coop Fountain’s grill, in an effort to save energy, is powered by a Harvey Mudd student riding a unicycle this year. Unfortunately this student, who will henceforth be referred to as Cletus (Editor’s Note: "?") has very poor balance.

Q. Senor Opinion Man, I was wondering how I should vote on the Horsemeat Initiative. Will this ever affect my life? What if ARAMAK (sic) were to attempt cost cutting measures? Wouldn’t it be safer to vote yes and ban horse meat for human consumption?

A. Dear voter, you should vote no on the so called Mr. Ed initiative. ARAMAK (sic) is in a perfectly stable financial state thanks to Cletus (Editor’s Note: "?"). Furthermore, when there is absolutely no need for a law, there is no reason to enact a law. Finally, why is eating a horse any more morally objectionable than eating a cow? Horses don’t even give us milk. (Editor’s Note: Clint Eastwood once appeared in an episode of Mr. Ed. I can’t remember which one, though.)

Q. Dear Dr. Opinion, I was eating at Frary the other day when quite a disturbing event occurred. I placed my thimble-sized cup under the red fruit punch dispenser, and I’ll be hornswaggled (sic) and hog-tied if orange liquid didn’t come out. Are the random club and or Muzy Huq and or his uncle whose name I’m a bit confused about responsible for this? If not, what is the meaning of this? Please bring back my ruby colored master!!!

A. Dear Fruit Punch Lover, this particular caper has nothing to do with the Random Club. As for Muzy Huq, no one can predict the mind frame of than Indy Rocking (sic) genius, but I think the culprit is more likely ARAMAK (sic). You see, those dispensers are filled with a perpetual supply of liquid to make them appear attractive. The liquid, however, is no indication of what is inside. (Editor’s Note: Mr. Ed was produced by George Burns.)

Q. Dear Opinion Maestro, it disturbs me that the NBA might cancel its season. What is your take on the labor situation? Will my 76ers win the title this year?

A. We’ll take the second part first: no. As to the labor situation, both sides are making a big mistake because what they lose from a cancelled season far outweighs any possible gains. Yet, I have to side with the players on principle. The owners in insisting on a salary cap are basically saying that they cannot control themselves. For this I have no sympathy.

Q. Dear Godfather, Considering that Emily Anthony, Brian Buckingham, and Chad Thornton are the greatest RHS (sic) at Pomona, shouldn’t the school give them monetary gifts, or at least such perks as a mousepad autographed by Garfunkle (sic) of Simon and Garfunkle (sic) fame (sic)?

A. Dear Emily, Brian, and Chad, the school should give you monetary gifts. However, if they come upon a mouse pad autographed by Garfunkle (sic) it should be given to Sarah Jackel, who was traumatized as her father was never the mayor of her hometown. (Editor’s Note: Remember that episode of Mr. Ed where Mr. Ed met the Los Angeles Dodgers?)

Q. Dear Uncle Mo, I am a fun loving brunette who enjoys long cruises and red shoes. Do you know if Muzy Huq is single?

A. Dear Dean Quinley, I will check.

Q. Dear Mr. Opinion, have you heard about the closet of randomness on Smiley 2? If so, what is it what do you think of it?

A. Dear Mr. Question, I have heard of the closet of randomness. It is a vacant closet on the second floor of Smiley. Its door is marked electrical. Membership in the random club requires you to place a random object in the closet of randomness.

Afterwards you must slip a piece of paper under Smiley 216 with your name, campus extension, and the name of the object. I for one feel it represents exactly what we need here at Pomona. Whoever instituted this closet is certainly an unparalleled genius.

Well, it looks like that will be all for Mr. Opinion in this issue. If you have any questions for Mr. Opinion, please write them on a piece of paper and insert them in the campus mailbox marked Smiley 216. He will get back to you in an upcoming issue. (Editor’s Note: Over Mr. Ed’s rotting worm-eaten corpse.)