Since none of you ungrateful bastards could find the time to write for us this year, we were forced to rely on our vast storehouse of Fred Sontag articles. We’d like to express our thanks by sharing with you the Sontag we know and love.

1. To which well-known movie character did Sontag compare his mother?

a. Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music

b. Marlon Brando in The Godfather

c. Christopher Lloyd in Back to the Future

2. To which historical romance did Sontag compare the state of being gay in America?

a. Romeo and Juliet

b. Batman and, of course, the Batmobile

c. Greg Louganis

d. Ederickfay Ontagsay

e. Ederickfay Ontagsay and the Atmobilebay

3. If Sontag were Opinions Editor Amanda Baber, into which receptacle(s) would he have vomited the morning after the April 4 TSL retreat?

a. a Corn Pops sack in Teddy Schall’s car

b. her sweatshirt, in Teddy Schall’s car

c. the women’s bathroom in the Del Taco off Central Ave.

d. all of the above

4. On which hypothetical altar have men historically faced more discrimination than women, according to Sontag?

a. the slaughter bench of history

b. the brussel sprout of antiquity

c. the muscle car of love

5. Which Beatle is Sontag’s "Fave rave?"

a. John

b. Paul

c. Boy George

d. Michel Foucault

6. What is philosophy? In Sontag’s words:

a. Julie Andrews in a habit

b. Greg Louganis in a habit

c. What the fuck is a habit?

7. How many copies of Kerri Strug’s valiant 1996 Olympic effort does Sontag keep in his video library?

a. errikay ugstray

b. ohhh, I wondered what those noises coming from KD were

c. seventeen, in glorious Tehnicolor (TM)

d. 5.9!!!

ANSWERS: 1) b, 2) c, 3) d, 4) I forget, 5)who cares, 6) we made that one up, 7) a

SCORING: Everybody’s a winner when you play with Sontag!