ASPC President Andrew Sheppard ’99 opened the Senate meeting by farting.

After his introductory comments, Commisioner of Residence Halls and Food Brian Andrews ‘01 bitched about why everyone hates him. "Why does everyone think I’m such a fuckin’ tool?" he yelled to the Senate. There was no response from the group. "Well," said an anonymous senate member, "it could be the fact that you are a preppy fuck, or maybe because you are the tool of Aramark, or maybe its just because you, well, you kind of are one." Andrews was livid, claiming that one day he was going to be President and he would make them all pay. Good luck, toolbox.

Junior Class Representative Dan Silberstein ’00 expressed concern that people would hate him because he is ugly, and that it would interfere with the elections that already happened. He then went on to explain that the shit he said but didn’t mean to say was important enough to steal the fucking newspaper from the presses even though no one was ever going to read his rantings anyways. Silberstein expressed his desire to screen future issues of TSL so that he could make himself feel important by pointing out idiotic things that he may have said and then putting out statements on the digester, so that the entire student body could know about an issue that only the 4 people who actually read the fucking paper would have known about.

Plus, he was so desperate to not have TSL printed that he offered to pay for it by sucking Andrews’ schlong.

Commissioner of Community Affairs Anbinh Phan expressed her desire that a special sub-committee be formed to remove the eight-foot long pole that has been thoroughly lodged in her asshole.

Senior Class Representative Renee of the Singsong Harmony Choir Ethan Eismann ’99 motioned his bowels. He then motioned for housekeeping to clean out his bum because it was filled with poop.

Director of CCLA, Sesyle Moorhead ate Andrews and Silberstein, at which point the Senate erupted into cheers. Before long, Moorhead became hungry and started to hunger for the juicy meat of Communications Commisioner Dan Check, at which point Check beat her over the head with a stick. She ate the stick and the meeting continued.

Reeking of alcohol, Professor of Philosophy and eternal KD frat boy Frederick Sontag stormed into the meeting, dropped his trousers, yelled, "I got this Sartre for your Kant right here!" He proceeded to throw up on Sheppard’s shoes, run his fingers through Check’s hair, and ask him to lunch at Frank.

More Senators continued to express concern that people were not giving them enough power and treating them as the political gods that they think they are. They then voted to support the opinion that Sontag is old, once again making decisions on things that they have no control over anyways.

–Compiled by Buttmunch Font