Officers reported numerous calls that strange noises, possibly connected to Satanic practices, were coming from the bowels of Clark V in Social Room 2.

Students reported seeing starving students breaking into Oldenborg and stealing an unidentified substance thought to be "oriental delight."

Camp Sec broke up a party at 2am because everyone was being quiet and pensive and mournful and listening to the Smiths.

Complaints about graffiti in bathrooms at Scripps college were registered.

A Scripps student was reported to have been asked out on a date.

Professor Frederick Sontag was reported to have asked another male to eat lunch with him at Frank.

You know what we are talking about.

CDs? Oh yeah, well C Deese Nutz!

Richard Park keeps farting!

Camp Sec reported one of the 5-Cee Wussies broke his wussy leg throwing a wussy garbage can, and the other one stays in his wussy room, drinking his wussy whiskey, and playing his wussy wussy Hank Williams songs.

Guest lecturer Ghostface Killah spoke at the first in a new series of campus lectures entitled "Year 2G Playas and Ballas." He was escorted off campus by Security after telling the audience that "Stanley’s a top dawg kinda nigga"–apparently he crossed some sort of line.

Whoa.