Editor,

I’m sorry. Truly, truly sorry. I can’t write. I’m not funny. I have no friends. But I try, and that counts for something, huh? So what if The Student Life stopped running my articles, and I started my own humor paper, that isn’t very humorous. I laughed at it. My friends laughed at it too.

Well, thats actually a lie. I don’t have any friends. Nobody likes me, because i’m not funny. I did have that "Rock, Paper, Fuck You!" joke though. That was funny. I even saw TSL people laugh at it during dinner. And then there were those Phi Delt jokes. Gee, those were sure funny. I can’t stop laughing. Ha! Ha! Ha Ha, Ha! Even Phi Delts were laughing. I think they like me. Maybe I’ll pledge next year, and we can write funny letters together. Oh, wait, they’re banned from campus next year. I’ll pledge the next year then. It’ll be fun. Maybe I’ll even get a date with that Carlos Reyes guy. He’s kinda hot, and I hear he’s available.

Until then, I’m really sorry. I should never have published the Student Alternative. It’s a bigger waste of paper than that enviromental guy who ran for ASPC. Next year, I promise there won’t be any more Student Alternatives. Unless, of course, there’s another Onion article I can rip off or someone on this campus I can make fun of without revealing my name. In short, I’m not funny and I admit to it. Please accept my apologies.

Sincerely,

Freider Conorsdorf