We’re back, baby! And you better have just double-snapped. We’re sexier, saucier, and sassier than ever, and you still all look like shit. Summer is just around the corner, and for many of you that will mean finally putting the socks away from your Stocks and socks collection. For others, it will not.

Now ladies, you’re looking to score this summer, and we here at The Student Life want to help in any way possible. The first thing you have to remember is that guys love hats. We’re talkin’ love. Like humping. Now you have to wear the right hat though, otherwise, no poon-tang for you! Here’s a hint: big flowers equals wall-to-wall fuck and suck. You know Blossom? We do, too. Now back to hats. Wicker is always nice, and it’s good to support all-American businesses like Pier 1 Imports.

One problem of the summer is that it is hot. A bikini is one solution. Our swimwear collection combines comfort with pure sexuality. For the ladies, we’ve got the new indoor/outdoor rubber basketball bikini. It sounds complex, but it’s really neat! Just take a basketball, cut it in half, and you can figure out the rest! It doesn’t matter if you’re big-breasted, small-breasted, or changing your breast size daily, you’ll look maaaahvelous!

Boys, don’t feel left out. You can look sporty, too in your European ball-huggers. Think Normandie, not during D-Day, silly, circa right now! That French look is coming back! And to show everyone how "classic" your look is, get your Greek letters embroidered on the butt! There’s a fashion statement every one from Kappa Delta to Phi Delta can make.

Admittedly, though, when you want to kick back and play volleyball or yuck it up at the Beachcomber Karaoke Bar, you’ll probably want something a little less revealing. Well, remember those Jams? You soon will.

Thanks to a merger between the Jams corporation and the Zubaz conglomerate, the new ZubazJams will be this summer’s big hit. And knowing that the Cleveland Browns are a football team again, look for the brown and orange pattern to go first! Hipster art chicks don’t need to feel left out, since there are capri-style ZubazJams!

The final piece of your wardrobe is some hot Pomona College gear. Smoking jacket in the summer? Hell, yes! Tobacco doesn’t take a break for anyone! Don’t forget the new Pomona College visor, with "Pomona College" printed upside down, so when you wear it, it’s rightside up. Plus, the rainbow band, will let all the B-Boys at the beach know you’ve got the new Eminem album.

Whoops, we forgot socks!

Now let’s talk accessories! Many of you think playing Ultimate Frisbee is automatically cool, just because it’s warm out. Well, you’re wrong. But since there’s a lot of you out there, we’ll give you the scoop on this nerd fashion utility. Aerobies are so ten years ago, dude! Soft rubber is the style that today’s sassiest shirts and skins are going for. And don’t forget to grease it, for maximum wind resistance.

Can you skate? No. It’s never stopped you before. So, do you like the longboard? The trick board? Well, both suck. Let us tell you about the Porn Board. Yup, that’s right, male porn star Jeff Stryker has a new skateboard out, and it can kick any Tony Hawk board to the curb. If you want to see how fresh this is, look no further than Pomona’s own adult movie extra, Adam "Ajax" Graham-Silverman.

Some have said that we here at the Fashion Beat are unwilling to admit when we made a mistake. Well you’re wrong, assholes, and don’t you ever say shit like that again. We can’t believe your fucking nerve! In any case, we really like those lanyard things now. We have found many uses for our lanyards. We each bought seven, and we love going to the park and getting all tangled up together in them. We’ve also devised a way to create a web that allows us to catch dates. If there’s one thing that impresses the ladies, it’s a long flaccid thing hanging out of your pocket. Sometimes when we’re bored at home, we get tangled up, and get our dog to jump on us. Then we all laugh together. The dog, too!

This is probably the last Fashion Beat ever, until we come back to Claremont to participate in CGU’s Archeometrics paper. So we know you’ll all look like shit again. Of course, since TSL is a fascist organization, and only allows staff from Pomona, we will be appearing in the hilarious The Student Alternative. Until then, toodles!