Donna was looking a little more normal-sized this week, so I have a new theory. Her breasts are made by Reebok, as part of their "Pump" line. Just like a basketball player, Donna is able to either enlarge or decrease the size of her breasts by pumping a little button, located just under her armpit. Surgical technology hits Beverly Hills (specifically Aaron Spelling’s office) about a year before any place else, so get ready for your opportunity to pump your own! Shirt too tight? Just let some air out! Want some cleavage? Pump pump pump! I don’t want to hear your whinin’, so I’m telling you in advance to stay away from needles. This episode, Donna meets a guy (by awkwardly hitting on him) outside of her store, and hires him as the model for her "new men’s line." He thinks she’s cute, she thinks he’s cute, she agrees to move in with Noah.

Kelly and Matt are babysitting Erin (gee, Kelly, you haven’t seen your sister in over a year!) who has gotten much older than she should be. For some reason, "Mel and Jackie" have a "Nannie Cam," which they leave on when they’re out to check up on babysitters. How paranoid of them to leave it on when Erin is being babysat by her sister! So Erin goes to bed, and Kelly and Matt start doin’ it and doin’ it and doin’ it well on the coffee table, and if this show were in el país de France we’d probably get to see them pulling each others’ clothes off and giving each other hand jobs, but instead, in prudish, prudish America, we focus in on the "Nannie Cam."

Then, David babysits Erin, and Erin must be having the same crisis that Noah did last episode, like, "You guys are my siblings? I never knew!" because David and Kelly are just so absentee, and they’re playing cards and David cheats, I guess, because Erin’s like, "No! We’re watching that on the ‘Nanny Cam!’ You cheated!" And she also wants to watch There’s Something About Mary, which is sitting on the table that they’re playing cards on, taunting her, and David won’t let her. So she steals There’s Something About Mary and puts the "Nanny Cam" video in it’s box. David doesn’t notice that she’s playing cards with a video under her shirt. Whatever.

So then–and I can’t believe they’ve wasted three scenes setting up this plot, and just used and abused this child actress Erin, getting her hopes up when she will never again be on the show–Dylan and Geena are sitting down to watch There’s Something About Mary, which they for some reason took from "Mel and Jackie’s," and what do you know! It’s just a video of Matt and Kelly having sex! And Geena is, you know, okay with it, since she doesn’t lust after Matt, and she’s laughing and wants to watch it, but Dylan gets really mad and turns it off. And if he’s trying to make Geena think he doesn’t love Kelly, he’s doing a notably bad job.

So then, Dylan brings a blindfolded Geena into the After Dark, where the latest no-pride artist playing on 90210 is Monica! Not only is she playing on the show, she’s playing only for Geena and Dylan, a private concert, because her gig at the After Dark has been cancelled! How’s that for pathetic? And if that’s not bad enough, as she’s singing, Dylan and Geena have a fight and break up, and then Geena goes, "I know you had sex with Kelly in Mexico," and Dylan goes, "How did you know that?" and Geena goes, "Because you just told me." Whew! And then she walks out! And Monica keeps singing only to Dylan, who is sitting with his head face down against a table.

So then there’s a big to do, and Dylan comes to Geena’s work (remember? She’s Matt’s secretary? This may have been a detail which I never disclosed) because he’s providing the funds for Matt to sue Noah’s dad–who I thought was dead–because he owned a environmentally unsound company that is killing children. And yes, writers, I did see A Civil Action, and do realize how ripped off and trendy this plot line is. And what a tangled web Matt is weaving by suing the father of his roommate. But so Geena runs outside when she sees Dylan, which, of course, isn’t really outside, because Matt’s "office" for some reason is in a shopping mall. Dylan follows her. And she’s taking bigger bites than her little mouth ever has of a burger, and says, "Are you going to tell him or am I?" So they both go back into Matt’s office, and Dylan abruptly says, "I slept with Kelly in Mexico."

Kelly and Matt end up okay, but it seems that Geena and Dylan are calling it quits. Geena goes over to his house, and Dylan is being really disgusting and for some reason watching the tape of Kelly and Matt having sex! I wonder if, by now, it’s like the copy of Basic Instinct that my friend rented which was worn out from rewinding over the sex scenes. And he puts the tape in his inside jacket pocket when he gets up to answer the door. Geena says, "I realized why that tape of Kelly and Matt upset you so much. They’re in love, you can tell from watching it. And when you had your hands all over her in Mexico, she was probably thinking of him." This was a good episode for Geena. She goes home, and is crying looking in the mirror, and Kelly comes in and is like, "I’d like to talk to you, and I’m sure you have a few things to say to me." And Geena says, "Yeah, I’ve got things to say to you." And she writes "SLUT" in lipstick on her mirror that she’s looking at Kelly through, and underlines it about fifty times. And then we see Kelly’s face framed within the "SLUT" sign. Oh, so symbolic. And Kelly’s looking pretty awful with her plop-on-top-of-her-head ponytail and her Fire Engine Red lipstick and her long, sleeveless, incomprehensible halter top backless…turtleneck? Can we say 1985? Whatever.