Freshmen Fatties Cara Mullen, Julia Goldstein, Reed Schuler, Brian Hardesty, and an unknown midget proudly parade their portly bodies around Pomona.

Pomona First-Years Set National Records, Gain Unprecedented "Freshman Fifty"
By Dr. Zhivago
Resident M.D.

A recent medical evaluation of weight-gain among freshmen revealed the class of ’07 is on its way to becoming the fattest class ever in the history of Pomona College. Given the current obesity trend in the US, this finding was not a complete shock to the college community.

However, what was rather disturbing was the extent to which the class of ’07 seems to be padding on the insulation. An obvious warning sign of the rotund freshmen class should have been their immaculate attendance records to meals and Snack—not a single freshman has missed breakfast, lunch, dinner or Snack throughout the entire semester. There are even reports of some real porkers returning to the dining hall to flex a second meal, or hiding in the bathrooms to glut the cereal during off-hours. Expressing enthusiasm for everything from Frary stir-fry (“with extra peanut sauce, please”) to double scoops of rocky road, first-year students are one hungry bunch of oinkers.

CMS Athletics Dept. Okays Stripping as New Intermural Sport
By Lolo Dingles
Sports Gopher

Last week, after intense deliberation, the CMS athletic department approved stripping as an inter-mural sport. Though stripping is generally regarded as an affront to any woman with a brain, students and faculty disregarded criticism, retorting, “No one seems to have a problem with cheerleading, why the sudden touchiness when we decide to crank it up a notch?” In fact, one of the main difficulties in passing the stripping proposal was the concern that this exciting new sport might draw participants out of the cheerleading constituent.

Sports Editor Kang Admits She is “Not That Into Sports”
By Nancy Drew
Investigative Reporter The TSL staff was appalled and betrayed late Wednesday night when sports editor Janice Kang ’04 let it slip that she was, “actually not that into sports.”

Kang, who professed to be an avid climber, surfer, and rugby player, eventually conceded that she goes to the climbing gym to “meet guys,” has only been surfing a few times (and never got up), and just manages the rugby team.

Base Jumper Becomes Uncomfortably Intimate with Pavement by Smith Tower
By Chump 'N' Hump
Editors Extraordinares

At 1:15 pm last Tuesday, innocent students walking to class were shocked to see that it was raining exceptionally corpulent men. “It was suddenly dark and when you looked up, there was this mound of cellulite eclipsing the sun,” said Jay Schneider ’04. What Schneider and others witnessed was the first jump of Pomona College’s brand new Base Jumping club. Open only to first-years and started by Josh Clavelle ’07, the BJ club inaugurated its new members by jumping off the Smith Clock Tower.

Men's Basketball Plays First Home Game This Saturday
By Lauren Sauter
Guru

I got to work around 4:35 pm on Monday, but Felipa wasn’t there so I had to wait outside to get in. It was cold, but I have this great black poofy jacket I got at a LeRoy’s. It is so goddamn warm. Finally Felipa got there and mumbled something to me in Spanish that I didn’t understand. I had told her I spoke Spanish, which is a lie.