Students, Please Keep Getting Alcohol Poisoning, Please
By Ron Tilsnip
Owner, Pomona Valley Medical Center

First of all, I want to offer my thanks to you, the students of Pomona College for all you’ve done to make the Pomona Valley Medical Center what it is today. A hospital is only as successful as its patients, and I count myself lucky that my hospital has the continued support and patronage of Pomona College students nearly every weekend. Yes, business is booming these days, all thanks to your cold, limp, alcohol-poisoned bodies, just waiting to be resuscitated for a price.

In this world, my friends, nothing comes without a price. Even basic human needs—such as food, water and shelter—cost you money. Air is still free, although my brother Norm is working on that (What up, Norm? You dog, you!), and, yes, it’s true, saving your life comes with a price, too. Did you know it can cost up to $1,000 just for a single ambulance ride? Now think about how many crimes, accidents and the like occur on a daily basis, and you are beginning to see the kind of bling we rake in every single day.

Now, crimes and accidents are nice little surprises for us, but I really appreciate the consistency you students have shown in your patronage; it’s good to know that we can always count on some skinny kid or freshman girl to down a few too many tequila shots on an empty stomach. I’ve got to tell you, I’ve worked in hospitals near colleges all over the country, and Pomona College has got to have one of the largest inexperienced drinker per capita ratios of any school I’ve ever seen. You’d better believe I thank my lucky stars every night that we have fine folks such as you to line our pockets every single weekend!

In fact, I feel so grateful to you fine Pomona College students that we here at Pomona Valley Medical Center are unveiling an exciting new promotion that’s right up your alley: the Frequent Puker Program! It’s easy as pie: just get good and plastered, and make sure you have your FPP card on you before you pass out. When you come in on a stretcher, we’ll search your wallet and punch a hole in the side. Get six stomach pumps and you’ll win a free handle of Everclear! “Y’all come back now, y’hear?” Tell your friends!

You know, despite all the business you’re so kindly generating for us, I have to say that our most successful week in a good long while was during the forest fires back in October. Oh man, talk about phat cash money. May I ask a favor of you fine students? Next weekend when you’re out slamming 40s on Mount Baldy, could you do me a teensy favor, and start some sort of inferno before you hit the dirt face-first? I’d really like to buy my son a Segway scooter this Christmas. Thanks again, and party on!