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Fort Sumner
Attacked, War Declared
By Chris Meyer
Opinions Editor or Whatever
The smoke has only begun to clear across
a blood-soaked Marston Quad, but Pomona College remains
torn asunder by the hate and violence of war.
Long-standing tensions between North
and South Campus came to a violent head Tuesday, when
each side declared war against the other, causing over
three days of bloodshed and terror that has resulted
in at least 40 deaths and over 100 injuries, as well
as significant damage to property and landscape.
“The time has come for Pomona College’s
ruling class—that being us, the upperclassmen—to
take matters into our own hands and restore our beloved,
beleaguered school to its former glory,” announced
North Campus Commander-in-Chief Juan Matute ’04
in his Tuesday afternoon declaration of war. “Let
the guilty be punished, by any means necessary.”
New
Alcohol Policy Encourages Deans, Faculty to Get Wasted
By SpayS AntsnMEN
A Guy
Troubled by a rise in alcohol related
hospitalizations this semester, Dean of Students Ann
Quinley announced Monday a revised Pomona College Alcohol
Policy, while sipping an unidentified beverage held
in a red plastic cup.
Quinley made the announcement following
the closure of an unregistered party at the Wash. Standing
next to a half empty keg, she explained that the new
policy seeks to improve students’ alcohol tolerance
so fewer hospitalizations are required.
“This year has been really bad,”
Quinley giggled. “Sunday night I was sitting at
The Press having a nice drink with David [Oxtoby] when
my pager rang, and I had to go help some lousy freshmen
throw up for the first time. I thought, enough is enough.
No one’s messing with my drinking anymore.”
Admissions
Looks to Phase Out Low-Income Students
By Richie
Rich
Bling Bling
Overwhelmed by the rising number of
low-income and minority students applying to Pomona,
the admissions office has decided to begin phasing out
these students, in an effort to foster a more country
club-like atmosphere on campus.
The new policy was officially revealed
by Dean of Admissions Bruch Poch yesterday, to loud
cheers and applause from a crowd of predominantly white
male students.
“From this day forth, we will
no longer be concerned about diversifying our campus
with students from a variety of income backgrounds,”
he said. “Pomona College will now be a safe place
for the rich to feel comfortable in their wealth.”
Neil Gerard Declares Self Batman, Takes Campus Center
as Batcave
By Dirty T
Since 1636
In a startling move that stunned both
students and faculty, Associate Dean of Student Neil
Gerard declared himself Batman. Following this announcement,
he swiftly claimed the Smith Campus Center his “Batcave.”
The news reached most students via the new Batcave Weekender
last Tuesday.
The ASPC Senate, which Gerard formerly
advised, as well as Pomona’s Board of Trustees,
was all considerably outraged by the startling move
that will forever change campus tradition and dynamics.
When questioned by The Student Life
as to why Gerard failed to consult either campus governing
group, he replied: “It seems as if neither of
them really get anything done. I mean, Senate worked
on laundry bins for about seven months last year, and
what happened? Students still find their laundry piled
in puddles on laundry room floors. And don’t get
me even started about the Trustees.”
Snoop Dogg Challenges 'The Ox' in Recall
By Ariana Huffington
Recall Girl
Last Tuesday, Pomona’s Board of
Trustees presented a recall petition, seeking to recall
and remove David Oxtoby from the office of Pomona College
President and to demand consideration of a successor.
“I don’t really know the
grounds of the recall; something was mentioned about
wishing to maintain the Pomona bubble,” said ASPC
President Ari Greenberg. “As always, stuff is
happening here at Pomona College.”
In order to determine a successor, the
Board of Trustees announced that an election will be
held for Pomona College students to vote in their next
leader.
ITS
Celebrates Twenty-Four Hours of Excellent Service
By ITS Lover
He Slept With Ken
“We didn’t screw anything
up today,” ITS Director Kenneth Pflueger proudly
announced on Thursday. “Not a single thing.”
This announcement would signal the first
day all year when no one called to complain about ITS.
“At first we thought we just
screwed up the phones, but then we realized we aren’t
in charge of the phones,” Pflueger added.
As a result of this recent triumph,
Pflueger announced that ITS would be canceling its user
support for the rest of the semester. “There’s
just no point any more,” he said.
Thirty-Two
PACS Soon to be Required
By Packman06
She Likes Crickets
Many Pomona students have experienced
the benefits of the PAC (Perception, Analysis, and Communication)
system at Pomona. They have taken courses that they
would have never enrolled in otherwise, and have acquired
a diverse range of skills. But beginning next year,
most (if not all) of the classes that incoming freshmen
take throughout their four years at Pomona will have
to fulfill a PAC requirement.
The faculty and administration voted
this week to substantially revise Pomona’s PAC
system. One of the most influential revisions will drastically
increase the number of PAC courses that each student
is required to complete for graduation. In an effort
to “fully liberate students by educating them
in skills necessary to succeed,” which is “an
essential goal of the liberal arts education”
according to Dean of College Gary Kates, twenty-two
PACs have been added to the current ten.
Senate Briefs
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