Senate Briefs

SENATE INCREASES PRODUCTIVITY
ASPC President Ari Greenberg opened the meeting with the announcement that Senate meetings were always more successful when they began with a joke, and so for this meeting they were going to spend the first 45 minutes telling jokes in order to maintain their current level of productivity. He then told a joke involving a priest, a rabbi, and a monkey named Janet.

The next joke was told by Senior Class President Jacqueline Wang-Hernandez. It was a little off-color, but even Neil Gerard laughed a little.

Academic Affairs Commissioner Kyle Warneck started to tell a joke about three rabbits and a blender, but he couldn’t remember the punchline and had to stop.

BUT SPORTS ARE MORE IMPORTANT
At this point, Sports Commissioner Ashley Hovey began crying because no jokes had been told about sports yet. She then presented an update on the current state of women’s shuffleboard at the College, which was suffering from both a lack of funding and a lack of support by women under the age of twelve.

Greenberg proposed that a committee be formed to ensure that Senate was accessible to all women under the age of twelve, and spent the next 30 minutes deciding the best time to meet.

Hovey then made a motion to increase the position of Sports Commissioner to include an additional secretary, two staff members, and an armed bodyguard. The motion was seconded by South Campus Representative Galen Benshoof, who agreed that armed bodyguards were a good idea for any healthy Senator, but the motion was unanimously vetoed.

NEW COMMITTEE PRESENTS INFO
Sophomore Class President Chris Thompson then presented the latest information from the Get Out of Jail Free Committee, which meets weekly to discuss adequate measures for helping Pomona College students who have served time in jail. The committee decided that $0.14 from every order of cheese sticks at the Coop Fountain would be donated to students who are in need of financial assistance in dealing with fines, and that the rest of the money could be taken from the ASPC’s Unallocated Funds.

Thompson suggested that the committee sponsor a dance party in the upcoming semester, but Dean of Students Ann Quinley noted that she didn’t want it to seem as though the College supported students who went to jail, only that “we are there for them when unfortunate incidents occur.” Which, Greenberg agreed, they certainly are.

THE FRESHMAN ARRIVES
Freshmen Class President Buster Zalkind then arrived at the meeting, and Greenberg realized that since he had previously forgotten to bang the gavel to signal the official beginning of the meeting, the meeting had in effect not truly taken place. Secretary Joanna Schenke burned the notes she had been taking thus far, and Greenberg officially started the meeting. He announced that they would be telling jokes for the first 45 minutes, and told a joke involving a priest, a rabbi, and a monkey named Janet.

The rest of the meeting was then closed to The Student Life’s reporter without explanation.