Neil Gerard Declares Self Batman, Takes Campus Center as Batcave
By Dirty T
Since 1636

In a startling move that stunned both students and faculty, Associate Dean of Student Neil Gerard declared himself Batman. Following this announcement, he swiftly claimed the Smith Campus Center his “Batcave.” The news reached most students via the new Batcave Weekender last Tuesday.

The ASPC Senate, which Gerard formerly advised, as well as Pomona’s Board of Trustees, was all considerably outraged by the startling move that will forever change campus tradition and dynamics.

When questioned by The Student Life as to why Gerard failed to consult either campus governing group, he replied: “It seems as if neither of them really get anything done. I mean, Senate worked on laundry bins for about seven months last year, and what happened? Students still find their laundry piled in puddles on laundry room floors. And don’t get me even started about the Trustees.”

The logistics of the takeover were breathtakingly simple and yet effective. Gerard, seeking to avoid the potential trouble bought on by the Trustees’ disapproval, approached Dean of Students Ann Quinley personally about the change. Quinley went ahead with the change, and students were promptly notified.

“It seems to have worked historically,” Gerard said, “You know, avoiding the Senate and Trustees. I just went straight to the power source. But I assure you that my position as an Associate Dean and Director of the [former] Campus Center had nothing to do with it whatsoever. I approached Ann [Quinley] as a staff member and nothing else.”

Some students staunchly disagree.

“He really used his power to leverage his way into this whole Batcave thing,” said Nick Villalon ’04, “I mean what the hell? He isn’t saving anyone, or fighting crime. I really don’t understand the Batman connection whatsoever.” Other students simply expressed concern over the change’s ramifications to student services and spaces. “I live right by the [former] Campus Center,” said Smiley resident Sarah Todd ’05, “And now I don’t think the Coop Store is open. Am I still getting mail?”

The ASPC Senate was completely outraged by the whole move calling it “brash” and “unfair.”

ASPC President Ari Greenberg ’04 was especially angered by Gerard’s actions.

“You know, it was high time that the students got the Campus Center back where it belongs–in the student’s hands,” Greenberg said. “First they take the beloved basement and make it into professor offices, and now this? Unacceptable”

Approximately $15,000 was allotted this year to make potential changes to the Smith Campus Center, a space which continues to harbor debate amongst students over its design and uses.

“I was really hoping we could move Snack there, you know, just for change of pace. I had a meeting set with Quinley, but Gerard was already in there,” said South Campus Representative Galen Benshoof ’06. “Notably now I just have a meeting with Gerard next week.”

When questioned about where the $15,000 went and how it will now be used, the ASPC Senate, as usual, seemed clueless about the whole affair.

“We’re planning on forming a ‘What happened to the [former] Smith Campus Center’ committee to sort things out,” North Campus Representative Adam Gardner ’04 said.

Greenberg was absolutely livid when questioned about the missing funds, commenting that “I am completely incensed, that the funding is not going to student use,” he said. “What will happen to the Greenberg Memorial Pub? Or the Greenberg Memorial Big Clock? Man, if there is something we need around here, it’s one of those. Now what?”

When asked about the funding, Gerard was quick to note that it would still go to good use.

“I plan on making some adjustments around here,” Gerard said, taking in his new territory. “You know, buy some spider webs, some dark paint, hire a butler, you know, really spook the place up. And I’m planning on adding some fins to my car, just for effect.”

Staff response to the change was minimal. The former Campus Center staff will continue in their current jobs, although some expressed anxiety over the switch.

“I just hope I’m not expected to become Batboy or something,” lamented Assistant Director of the Campus Center Joel Perez.

President David Oxtoby could not be reached for comment, due to a fundraising trip and what his secretary called “a very pressing experiment.” The Smith family, long time Trustees and benefactors of the College, could also not be reached.

The Smith Campus Center is familiar territory for Gerard, who has been associated with it since its creation in the late 1990’s. No changes are currently in the works for Mortar Board or any other organizations with which Gerard is currently affiliated.

Students are encouraged to continue using all of the services the new Gerard Batcave has to offer, as no large-scale changes to services or space use are being anticipated. Campus Safety has been alerted to the changes, and is hoping that Gerard will help in the fight of campus crime and control of drunk ruffians.

“I sure will,” Gerard said, smiling. “I already have a golf cart.”

It was unclear at press time as to whether or not the former Smith Campus Center’s golfcart would also be receiving fins.