New Alcohol Policy Encourages Deans, Faculty to Get Wasted
By SpayS AntsnMEN
A Guy

Troubled by a rise in alcohol related hospitalizations this semester, Dean of Students Ann Quinley announced Monday a revised Pomona College Alcohol Policy, while sipping an unidentified beverage held in a red plastic cup.

Quinley made the announcement following the closure of an unregistered party at the Wash. Standing next to a half empty keg, she explained that the new policy seeks to improve students’ alcohol tolerance so fewer hospitalizations are required.

“This year has been really bad,” Quinley giggled. “Sunday night I was sitting at The Press having a nice drink with David [Oxtoby] when my pager rang, and I had to go help some lousy freshmen throw up for the first time. I thought, enough is enough. No one’s messing with my drinking anymore.”

The College is reversing its disfavor of hard alcohol in the hopes that students will build their tolerance faster. Instead of kegs of beer at College sponsored parties, Campus Security will require all students entering a party area to down five shots in rapid succession.

In order to control costs, only Prestige Vodka will be served. Students who refuse to drink may face sanctions and banishment to a sub-free hall, where they will be required to participate in never-ending games of Risk and play the card game Magic till 5 am on weekends.

Quinley said the measures may be strict, but they are necessary to get Pomona’s tolerance up to par with Big Ten Schools and to surpass the Ivy League.

“Where do these people come from,” Quinley asked of freshmen with low tolerances. “Any normal person should be able to consume 15 drinks without passing out. I mean, this is college. You are supposed to become an alcoholic.”

A little later into the interview, leaning heavily on a keg that began to spew out only foam, Quinley continued to explain her new policy. “Look these kids just need to learn to drink more! It’s that simple. I just won’t tolerate anything else,” Quinley shouted.

Noticeably shaken, your faithful correspondent left Quinley standing in the middle of the Wash, alone with bluish lips and fingernails.

Students have had mixed reactions to the new policy.

“I think the policy is a great idea,” said a freshman sipping Jack Daniels whiskey in Lyon Wednesday night. “I could really use some Vodka right now.”

A senior disagreed. “Free beer is my inalienable right,” he said. “First snack and now beer. What’s happening to this college?”

Dean of Campus Life Matthew Taylor said he looked forward to helping students build up their tolerance. “I think student/dean drinking will be a good bonding experience,” Taylor said. “I mean, who can resist being paid to drink?”

A recent study by the Idaho State Polytechnic Institute of Medicine found that students who have a high alcohol tolerance are less likely to succumb to alcohol poisoning. Doctor Bob Smith of the Institute said that experiments he has done on undergrads have shown again and again the benefits of a high alcohol tolerance.

“I like to think of the liver as a sponge that sops up alcohol,” Dr. Smith said. “Now would you want to sop up a puddle of alcohol with a big or small sponge? A person with a high tolerance has a big sponge. They can sop up a puddle and still have room for more.”

Idaho State Polytechnic Institute saw its number of alcohol hospitalizations drop dramatically since Dr. Smith’s ideas were implemented. In the first year, the number of hospitalizations dropped from ten to one. By the second year, zero students had to be hospitalized.

Institute spokeswomen Beth Feinstein said the college has been very pleased with the new policy. “All I can say is that, well, we just don’t have a problem anymore with alcohol hospitalizations,” Feinstein said.

In an unrelated story, the Daily Idahoian reported yesterday that 100 percent of the Idaho State Polytechnic Institute’s students flunked out before the completion of first semester. Feinstein declined to comment but noted that St. Andrews Pub has a two-for-one deal on Newcastle until six every Wednesday.

Quinley said she could care less about Dr. Smith’s science.

“This is about me and the students trying to understand each other in new ways,” Quinley explained. “I always place students interests in the same ballpark as mine.”

Pomona College President David Oxtoby said he is rather proud of Quinley taking the initiative, when it comes to student health.

“A good leader makes a decision and sticks with it, for good or bad,” Oxtoby said. “Quinley had definitely done that here. Now whether it is a good decision, we’ll have to see. But I hear Ari can shake a mean martini.”

No student witnesses wished to comment on the record, but many said Oxtoby trotted off to North Campus Tuesday night, only to come back a hour later in a golf cart driven by Campus Security. A TSL staffer found a broken martini glass outside Oxtoby’s home the next morning.

Dean of the College Gary Kates noted that Oxtoby showed up to a meeting Wednesday morning 30 minutes late. Kates said Oxtoby both complained of horrendous headaches.

“He kept talking about this wonderful student health symposium he went to last night,” Kates said. “I just didn’t get it.”

Not to be outdone by Pomona, Pitzer College announced Thursday that alcohol will be banned on campus and be replaced by free “herbal refreshments.”

Dean of Student Affairs Jim Marchant pointed out that no one has ever died from smoking the “weed.” “We consider it an entirely safe substance,” Marchant said. “The entire student body already uses it, so we felt we might as well get on board and put college tuition to a good use (buying ‘grass’).”

Marchant said that Pitzer has already found a reliable dealer that offers a discount since the College buys in bulk.

Taylor said Pomona considered switching to “pottery” as the substance of choice, but felt that some students might have ambitions beyond senior year. “Typically Pomona students actually go out and get respectable jobs, beyond working at Matt’s Hemp Imports and living in their parent’s basement,” Taylor said.