South Campus Representative Galen "Stonewall" Benshoof '06 (center) battles an old man as North Campus Commander-in-Chief Juan Matute '04 (right) sneaks up behind for the kill. Tensions between North and South campus over moving Snack to Frank one night a week have caused at least 40 deaths.

Fort Sumner Attacked, War Declared
By Chris Meyer
Opinions Editor or Whatever

The smoke has only begun to clear across a blood-soaked Marston Quad, but Pomona College remains torn asunder by the hate and violence of war.

Long-standing tensions between North and South Campus came to a violent head Tuesday, when each side declared war against the other, causing over three days of bloodshed and terror that has resulted in at least 40 deaths and over 100 injuries, as well as significant damage to property and landscape.

“The time has come for Pomona College’s ruling class—that being us, the upperclassmen—to take matters into our own hands and restore our beloved, beleaguered school to its former glory,” announced North Campus Commander-in-Chief Juan Matute ’04 in his Tuesday afternoon declaration of war. “Let the guilty be punished, by any means necessary.”

“For too long has Pomona College fallen victim to the twin demons of tradition and seniority; this is about far more than Snack,” declared South Campus Grand Field Marshal Galen “Stonewall” Benshoof ’06 in his address. “We must cast off the chains of oppression now, or remain forever silent, forever subjugated.”

Both speeches, in an odd coincidence, were independently made at exactly the same time.

Within hours, the area between Fourth and Sixth Streets, originally deemed the Demilitarized Zone, was violated by bloodthirsty students who took the battle to the very heart of campus. The South-held Big Bridges was leveled during a siege from Smiley, while trench warfare erupted all along Marston Quad. The Smith Campus Center has so far remained under North Campus control, though it has undergone heavy shelling and long-range artillery attacks from an undisclosed location near Carnegie.

“Those Southies might technically have us outnumbered,” said General Adam Gardner ’04, “but I’m confident that our familiarity with the lay of the land and superior weaponry will win the day for us. Take this Colt M4 Assault Rifle, for instance. This baby can mow down an entire sponsor group in twelve seconds–or less, if they’re sub-free.”

A faction of North Campus freedom fighters calling themselves the War Necks staged a covert rescue mission to South Campus on Wednesday night in an attempt to lead the P.O.W. upperclassmen living there to freedom. Though some had already been executed or secreted away to torture chambers, the freedom fighters were able to save a significant number of upperclassmen, including ASPC Vice-President Kyle Warneck ’05 from his prison in Harwood Courtyard. Warneck declined to take a position in the North Campus military elite.

“God, you’re all being ridiculous,” Warneck commented.

When freedom fighters infiltrated Oldenborg Chinese Hall to rescue the last known seniors on South Campus, they found the seniors playing Nintendo, completely oblivious to the events outside of their dorm.

“Hold on, just one more round of Monkey Ball,” said Casey Lister ’04 upon being rescued. “I’ve almost got enough points to open up Monkey Needlepoint.”

North Campus soldiers appear to be slowly gaining the upper hand in the trenches, though South Campus representatives remain adamant in their own eventual victory.

“There are no dumb, complaining Seniors in South Campus, we are not afraid,” said South Campus Information Minister David McDevitt ’07. “When they arrive here we will greet them with bullets and shoes. We have them already surrounded in their trenches, where we shall slaughter the gluttonous infidels. We have placed them in a quagmire from which they can never emerge except dead. After all, we have higher SAT scores.”

Many agree that the declarations of war were an immediate result of campus-wide tension over Snack is moving to South Campus once a week, though sources report that long-standing underlying tensions between each side of campus also contributed to the explosion of hatred.

“There’s always a fair amount of tension between the youngest and the oldest, between the first years that enter thinking they have something to prove, and the outgoing seniors who, faced with the prospects of living outside of the Pomona bubble, find themselves jealous of the underclassmen that still have years of college ahead of them,” said Vice President and Dean of the College Gary Kates. “Though recent events have certainly heightened those tensions, including the creation of Freshman Row, the Snack issue, funding cuts from Media Studies and many important organizations, and all of my other brilliantly subtle machinations uh, I mean, nothing. Never mind! I don’t know anything about a ‘Project: Endgame,’ I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Kates, who then jumped into a black helicopter and took off in the direction of Mount Baldy.

Humanitarian aid efforts from Scripps and Pitzer Colleges are in the works, but Claremont McKenna has so far responded simply by laughing at the news, and nobody has bothered to ask Harvey Mudd for their opinion. Many have called for the cessation of hostilities, though at the moment neither side seems willing to approach the bargaining table.

“Even if the North wins this battle, they cannot win the war,” said Benshoof. “The winds of change are upon us: The masses will no longer cower in silence. Our time has come, let the old guard drown in our blood.”

“Those Southies need to be put in their place,” Matute said. “They need to recognize what seniority means, and if seniority means pulverizing their fragile little bodies with a couple Howitzers, then so be it. And seriously, this is not just about Snack.”

David Oxtoby has not been available for comment since he resigned in disgust Wednesday afternoon.