South Campus Representative Galen "Stonewall" Benshoof '06 (center) battles an old man as North Campus Commander-in-Chief Juan Matute '04 (right) sneaks up behind for the kill. Tensions between North and South campus over moving Snack to Frank one night a week have caused at least 40 deaths.

Fort Sumner Attacked, War Declared
By Chris Meyer
Opinions Editor or Whatever

The smoke has only begun to clear across a blood-soaked Marston Quad, but Pomona College remains torn asunder by the hate and violence of war.

Long-standing tensions between North and South Campus came to a violent head Tuesday, when each side declared war against the other, causing over three days of bloodshed and terror that has resulted in at least 40 deaths and over 100 injuries, as well as significant damage to property and landscape.

“The time has come for Pomona College’s ruling class—that being us, the upperclassmen—to take matters into our own hands and restore our beloved, beleaguered school to its former glory,” announced North Campus Commander-in-Chief Juan Matute ’04 in his Tuesday afternoon declaration of war. “Let the guilty be punished, by any means necessary.”

New Alcohol Policy Encourages Deans, Faculty to Get Wasted
By SpayS AntsnMEN
A Guy

Troubled by a rise in alcohol related hospitalizations this semester, Dean of Students Ann Quinley announced Monday a revised Pomona College Alcohol Policy, while sipping an unidentified beverage held in a red plastic cup.

Quinley made the announcement following the closure of an unregistered party at the Wash. Standing next to a half empty keg, she explained that the new policy seeks to improve students’ alcohol tolerance so fewer hospitalizations are required.

“This year has been really bad,” Quinley giggled. “Sunday night I was sitting at The Press having a nice drink with David [Oxtoby] when my pager rang, and I had to go help some lousy freshmen throw up for the first time. I thought, enough is enough. No one’s messing with my drinking anymore.”

Admissions Looks to Phase Out Low-Income Students
By Richie Rich
Bling Bling

Overwhelmed by the rising number of low-income and minority students applying to Pomona, the admissions office has decided to begin phasing out these students, in an effort to foster a more country club-like atmosphere on campus.

The new policy was officially revealed by Dean of Admissions Bruch Poch yesterday, to loud cheers and applause from a crowd of predominantly white male students.

“From this day forth, we will no longer be concerned about diversifying our campus with students from a variety of income backgrounds,” he said. “Pomona College will now be a safe place for the rich to feel comfortable in their wealth.”

Neil Gerard Declares Self Batman, Takes Campus Center as Batcave
By Dirty T
Since 1636

In a startling move that stunned both students and faculty, Associate Dean of Student Neil Gerard declared himself Batman. Following this announcement, he swiftly claimed the Smith Campus Center his “Batcave.” The news reached most students via the new Batcave Weekender last Tuesday.

The ASPC Senate, which Gerard formerly advised, as well as Pomona’s Board of Trustees, was all considerably outraged by the startling move that will forever change campus tradition and dynamics.

When questioned by The Student Life as to why Gerard failed to consult either campus governing group, he replied: “It seems as if neither of them really get anything done. I mean, Senate worked on laundry bins for about seven months last year, and what happened? Students still find their laundry piled in puddles on laundry room floors. And don’t get me even started about the Trustees.”

Snoop Dogg Challenges 'The Ox' in Recall
By Ariana Huffington
Recall Girl

Last Tuesday, Pomona’s Board of Trustees presented a recall petition, seeking to recall and remove David Oxtoby from the office of Pomona College President and to demand consideration of a successor.

“I don’t really know the grounds of the recall; something was mentioned about wishing to maintain the Pomona bubble,” said ASPC President Ari Greenberg. “As always, stuff is happening here at Pomona College.”

In order to determine a successor, the Board of Trustees announced that an election will be held for Pomona College students to vote in their next leader.

ITS Celebrates Twenty-Four Hours of Excellent Service
By ITS Lover
He Slept With Ken

“We didn’t screw anything up today,” ITS Director Kenneth Pflueger proudly announced on Thursday. “Not a single thing.”

This announcement would signal the first day all year when no one called to complain about ITS.

“At first we thought we just screwed up the phones, but then we realized we aren’t in charge of the phones,” Pflueger added.

As a result of this recent triumph, Pflueger announced that ITS would be canceling its user support for the rest of the semester. “There’s just no point any more,” he said.

Thirty-Two PACS Soon to be Required
By Packman06
She Likes Crickets

Many Pomona students have experienced the benefits of the PAC (Perception, Analysis, and Communication) system at Pomona. They have taken courses that they would have never enrolled in otherwise, and have acquired a diverse range of skills. But beginning next year, most (if not all) of the classes that incoming freshmen take throughout their four years at Pomona will have to fulfill a PAC requirement.

The faculty and administration voted this week to substantially revise Pomona’s PAC system. One of the most influential revisions will drastically increase the number of PAC courses that each student is required to complete for graduation. In an effort to “fully liberate students by educating them in skills necessary to succeed,” which is “an essential goal of the liberal arts education” according to Dean of College Gary Kates, twenty-two PACs have been added to the current ten.

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