Brokaw's Music News Stinks
By Tom Brokaw
Kate's Dear Son

A new contest posted on Coldplay’s official website this week gives their fans the opportunity to design the cover art for the band’s next album. The only catch? Any piece of submitted art must include an illustration or photograph of Gwyneth Paltrow, the much-publicized current girlfriend of lead singer Chris Martin. “Enough of free trade and politics and the color yellow, I say. This album is all Gwynnie. I may not have an Academy Award and a string of attractive ex-boyfriends, but I sure as hell can put her on an album cover!” proclaimed Martin in a strangely self-indulgent, arguably insecure website posting.

The contest’s fine print specifies that any piece of submitted artwork may be doctored “to make Gwynnie as pretty as possible,” as well as a warning that any image of Martin and Paltrow together must have “Gwynnie gazing up adoringly at me.” A glance at the website’s bulletin boards revealed fans who had already spent hours in Photoshop as well as those who seemed worried about Martin’s mental health. News source NME.com recently revealed that the album, entitled Blonde Wonder, will include such tracks as “I Can Be Your Shakespeare,” “Don’t Be As Sad as Sylvia,” and an angry rocker called “I’m Better Than Brad.” The other three members of Coldplay could not be reached for comment.

In an exclusive interview with The Student Life, Magnetic Fields frontman Stephin Merritt revealed that his next musical enterprise would be a soundtrack to the upcoming disaster extravaganza film The Day After Tomorrow. “It’s going to take big-budget explosions to outdo 69 Love Songs,” Merritt admitted somewhat regretfully, referring to the three-disc box set by the Magnetic Fields that was met with critical acclaim and near-instantaneous musical cult status when it was released in 1999.

Acknowledging that this rather shocking committal to big-time Hollywood had been in the back of his mind for a long time, Merritt confessed to a crippling need to take on another project of such epic order as the three hours of his 69 Love Songs. Indeed, as the newest effort from Independence Day and Godzilla director Roland Emmerich, The Day After Tomorrow seems sure to be next year’s big event flick, a special-effects-filled look at a climatologist trying to save the world from devastating global warming and a new ice age. “Sure, I’m a little worried that the preview looks just like Deep Impact,” conceded Merritt. “But this is gonna be awesome! My songs have never had such a dramatic backdrop.”

Merritt also admitted that he believed he had already ruined his indie cred with “the thing with the lame Dawson’s Creek chick,” referring to his just-released soundtrack to Pieces of April, in which Katie Holmes does indeed bring the dysfunctional family together for Thanksgiving. “I thought Pieces of April was going to be a respectable project,” Merritt said, shaking his head. “But I just can’t get past how much I hate that girl. Have you ever noticed how she tends to talk out of only one side of her mouth?” However, with some prompting it was noted that Merritt does consider himself a fan of The Day After Tomorrow star Jake Gyllenhaal. “It won’t be hard to write love songs about him,” Merritt said, chuckling quietly to himself.

The still scorchingly hot Justin Timberlake also announced this week that he is taking a break from working with The Neptures, and that his next collaboration will be with Jessica Simpson, who is currently enjoying yet another fifteen minutes of fame with her MTV reality show Newlyweds. “Jessica seems to be reaching for some much-needed street credibility with this duet,” argued MTV correspondent Gideon Yago, right before he realized that he was being interviewed off camera and immediately started rolling his eyes and sticking his finger down his throat. Simpson’s husband, way-past-his-prime pop star Nick Lachey, has reportedly already installed spy cameras in Timberlake’s house to ensure full knowledge of any marital indiscretion.

In other pop idol news, Britney Spears’ publicist confirmed today that Spears and Cameron Diaz were indeed an item, a rumor that had started when the two young stars were seen drunkenly dancing together, half-naked, at a Hollywood club recently. Having each dated and been dumped by the other’s ex-boyfriend (Timberlake and Jared Leto, respectfully), Spears and Diaz had apparently been spending extended periods of time with each other, one-time rivals brought together by mutual heartbreak. In a statement to the public, Spears claimed that her much-hyped kiss with Madonna had “opened her mind to new sexual possibilities.” Not surprisingly, this piece of news shocked Spears’ teenage public, who had already been trying to come to terms with “Touch of my Hand,” a explicit ode to masturbation on the pop star’s new album.