Stop Buying Things
By Alex Jakle
Staff Writer

Okay, Halloween is dead and buried, so we all know what that means: we’re already being inundated with advertisement after advertisement telling us that the true spirit of Christmas is directly related to the latest slew of absurd toys which we had better buy, or else Santa Claus will die a horrific death. Also, I guarantee commercials suggesting that the only way to have a warm, family-oriented, traditional holiday season is to purchase absurd volumes of a given beer. We will probably even be subjected to a scene wherein an old man and woman sit on their couch, fire blazing in front of them, eggnog in hand as they smile and remember Christmases of the past. The man will turn to his wife, and touch her hand in a manner that says “Darling, I’m so glad that thanks to Viagra, this holiday night can end an abstinence streak that started in the Carter administration.” She will smile back at him, because she has been sleeping with his best friend since the early Reagan years.
It’s too bad Thanksgiving is so unmarketable. (“Well buy another turkey!”) Those ad companies just jump right on the old Christmas horse, well before most youngsters have finished their Halloween candy (side note: why don’t we see more Christmas ads for dentists?) or the pumpkins have all rotted. Who does their shopping before December, anyway? We’ve got to save up though; because as soon as St. Nick heads back north, we will turn on our TVs again only to realize that the sole way to show our true love how we feel is to give them a fuzzy, dancing heart purchased at Hallmark. And then we will shoot our TVs. Merry Christmas.