California Fires Fan Sex Flame
By EMILY FIELD
Staff Writer

This is the second year in a row that there have been raging forest fires in the area, and, from my lungs’ point of view, this latest one is not going to be forgotten anytime soon. So I have decided to dedicate this column to getting action in the middle of natural disasters or Armageddon, whatever the case may be. At the very least, now you’ll finally have the chance to use the ultimate in desperate pick-up lines: “The world is ending, and I’m still a virgin. Help me!” And the best thing is that no one will really care if it is true.

Now some of you might be saying, “Ok, you want us to work on our game, despite the fact that my house is burning down and/or there is a giant asteroid hurtling to earth as we speak??” Actually…yes. After all, children, has Hollywood taught us nothing? Natural disasters are prime settings for love and lust. Nothing gets the libido worked up like a good rush of adrenaline. I’m no neuroscience major, or even any good at math, but I do know that the reason why guys take girls to horror movies in high school: because it works. When people get scared, they want to hold each other. All night long.

So keeping that in mind, there is no reason to let some ashes and smoke get in the way of some healthy consensual sex. For you (few) couples out there, you can even take this as an opportunity to spice up your sex life if it has been getting a little dull lately.

For starters, take those goofy surgical masks everyone has been wearing lately. Sure, you look like a tool wearing one walking to the dining hall, and really, that light blue flatters no one, but am I the only who looked at one of those things and thought about their potential for some hospital role-playing? (I really hope not, because as far as kink goes, the whole naughty-nurse/physical examination thing is pretty low on the totem pole.)

Ditto for the less popular bandanna option. I don’t think I should have to point out the multitude of ways that this article can be put to use. But something tells me that I should anyway, before I get a call from some disgruntled readers about a trip to the emergency room that I really didn’t want to hear about. So, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the world of light bondage. (Budding leathermen and dominatrixes can feel free to direct themselves to a bunker outfitted with whips and sex swings galore, as they wait out the nuclear holocaust.)

For those of us north-campus bound upperclassmen, now is also the perfect time to see what the freshman and sophomore classes have to offer—and take advantage of the air conditioned rooms in Oldenborg and Mudd-Blaisdell. Of course, normally, I would not condone such mercenary exploitation of the younger classes, but dammit, desperate times call for desperate measures, and I’m tired of suffocating in my stuffy room. Old people need love too!

Finally, let’s not overlook the obvious psychological benefits of shacking up during a crisis. Forest fires, earthquakes, and the possibility that George W. Bush might last a second term are all very stressful things. Doctors are only just now beginning to understand the effect of chronic stress on our mental and physical health. There’s probably a study out there that says getting laid regularly reduces stress and the risk of heart disease. At the very least, it will help you keep your mind off that smell of brimstone in the air and the sound of the Four Horsemen galloping down College Ave.