Ronald McD: Sadist
By Chris Meyer
Opinions Editor

In all my years on this planet, there is one person I have never understood: The Hamburglar. Or perhaps I should say that I understood his motivations (the dude just wants to eat); I just never understood how he related to the rest of the denizens of McDonaldland. Throughout vast amounts of madcap misadventures aired during Transformers and DuckTales commercial breaks back in the day, The Hamburglar would “robble” a sackful of smiling, beady-eyed hamburgers who would consequently cry out in anguish and alert Mayor McCheese or Ronald himself. Of course they would hastily devise a clever (or idiotic) trap that would foil The Hamburglar’s escape, and the little singing hamburgers would be safe from harm.

Or would they?

Let’s look at these hapless, limbless food products again: they are still, when all is said and done, hamburgers, slabs of beef already wedged into fresh sesame seed buns, sometimes even thoughtfully garnished with crisp lettuce or ripe tomato. Remember too that this commercial is meant to promote McDonald’s, the largest chain of burger joints in history. The Hamburglar must be stopped because he robbles things that are, in effect, for everyone, but nobody is seeing the larger crime here: whether it’s one Hamburglar or everyone in McDonaldland, they are still EATING LIVING THINGS.

I’m not saying we should all turn vegetarian. Hell, I love meat. But there is a huge difference between feasting on some prepared meat from an animal that has been dead for days and taking a bite out of a McDonaldland forest nymph while it’s screaming due to your lateral incisors sinking into its darling little brain. Meat may be murder but at least we are civil enough to kill our food’s pain receptors before we nibble away. And don’t even get me started on those blissful bouncing Chicken McNuggets or the grinning shakes that think they are going to be able to see their children grow up before they get their innards sucked out by one of the other freaks running around McDonaldland. You are one sick clown, Ronald McDonald. And so are you, Birdie, Professor, and Grimace, whatever the hell you are.