Cock-Block: A Taxonomical Inquiry

By Emily Field
Staff Writer

The phenomenon of the cock-block is well known on college campuses nationwide. Characterized loosely as an impetus to sexual activity, the cock-block in fact functions as a descriptor for a multitude of behaviors. However, the various distinctions subsumed under this all-encompassing term deserve a closer inspection.

Our first categorical move would be to divide the cock-block into two basic types: the Deliberate and the Inadvertent Cock-blocks. While the Deliberate Cock-block is usually motivated by a sense of altruism (though, as we shall see later, this is not always so), the Inadvertent Cock-block is usually attributed to sheer stupidity.

A few words on the latter before moving on to the Deliberate Cock-block. The Inadvertent Cock-block, while not malicious, is highly obnoxious. Here is one hypothetical scenario: You invite a long-term “crush” over to your room to “study.” (For the purposes of this article, we shall pretend such things actually happen here at Pomona.) The appropriate music is playing; the lights are suitably low. You are inching towards each other on the couch, work long forgotten by this point. Then your roommate comes home, flicks on that ghastly overhead light, parks him/herself between the two of you on the couch, and starts talking loudly about foot fungus. The moment is not over; it has been totally obliterated. If this scenario sounds vaguely familiar, and your roommate has been glaring at you all week, you are the Cock-blocker.

Conversely, the Deliberate Cock-block is a more calculated move. While the Inadvertent Cock-block is somewhat self-explanatory, the intentional subset requires more clarification. Within the deliberate family of the cock-block, there are various species which can be clearly identified.

One of the most common forms of the deliberate cock-block is “The Savior.” This is when one person is being hit on by some unsavory character and signals to a friend for help. Several variations can take place thereafter, although the most effective seems to be when the friend pretends to be a significant other. Sometimes however, the mere presence of another person is enough to scare the dirty old man/woman away.

“The Intervention” is closely related to The Savior, since they are both motivated by the same sense of altruism. However, while The Savior is motivated by a clear cry for help, “The Intervention” is driven by a friend’s best interests—even if he or she doesn’t know it at the time. For example, say a younger sister is visiting. By her fourth jello shot, she is totally plastered and talking to someone you know to have the moral fiber of a paramecium. In this case, a cock-block may be executed with just cause. Most often, “The Intervention” occurs when a friend is just too drunk for his or her own good.

On the other hand, “The Interception” is an evil, contemptible thing. These people are like the vultures of the dating world. If they eye someone, even a friend, talking to a fairly attractive person, they swoop down at the earliest possibility and monopolize the conversation. Sometimes actually scoring is of secondary importance, the main objective being to deny the cock to someone else. Fire any friend who does this on a regular basis.

The following forms of cock-block are less rigorously defined but no less effective than the previous examples. The “Self-inflicted Cock-block,” for instance, is usually caused by over-drinking to the point of embarrassment. There is also the “Unconscious Cock-block; this is when someone else (an ex, a parent) arrives on the scene who would be very upset if the two other people hooked up. While this move could be seen as Inadvertent, what distinguishes the Unconscious Cock-block is the potential for confrontation, should the hook-up be discovered.

Finally, the “Circumstantial Cock-block” covers those forms of cock-block which fall outside the realm of deliberate/inadvertent. The Circumstantial Cock-block could be, for example, a phone call from the parents, a condom shortage, or a fire alarm. The range of possibilities is almost endless. However, most of these setbacks are but temporary and should not permanently halt sexual activities.

In summary, the cock-block in and of itself is not an entirely negative phenomenon. Indeed, sometimes it can be extraordinarily beneficial. Yet it should be exercised with care and utmost tact, as a thwarted cock can be an angry cock.