That ain't the last ass you'll see tonight, folks!

Seniors Spank First Years in Broomball
By Janice Kang and Nobu Koch
Sports Editor
Contributing Writer

Saturday: Broomball Night. In a classic show of freeloading, the freshmen depended on their mighty senior friends to safely tote them to and from the rink. In this interaction between seniors and freshmen, one thing was clear—many from the class of ’04 were playing the sober game poorly while a large percentage of the freshmen…well, they were clearly of the sub-free persuasion. “Whisky sours!” crowed Paul Kiernan ’04 from his backseat perch as the crowd waited for other broomballers to show up in the Sumner parking lot. The first years visibly shuddered.

When asked by the first years to describe the game of broomball, two-timing all-American broomballer Amy-Maude Bertken ’04 explained, “You don’t have to be rich to play. It’s that kind of a sport. You just need your kicks and an old broom. Oh, that and 300 bucks to rent out the ice rink for an hour. That’s where RHS comes in.” Broomball this year was also put on by the Seniors Getting to Know Freshmen Better Than They Otherwise Would Due to the Giant Geographical Gap Between North and South Campus Committee, or SGKFBTTOWDGGGBNSCC for short.

Down to the dirty core: the best way to learn broomball is to play broomball. All in all, roughly thirty seniors and freshmen scampered out onto the ice that night. The seniors were hit with an early blow. Bad boy detectives Nick Villalon ’04 and Mac Barnette ’04 defected to the freshman side, showing little qualms at having done so. “We needed to even out the teams,” alleged Villalon, defending his decision. Barnette later confessed, “Actually, we just wanted a chance to beat the crap out of Josh Tremblay, editor-in-chief of TSL.”

Tremblay, however, gave Barnette and Villalon no such chance. Representing the dirty south, he and carnal Juan Matute, along with California golden girl Holly Morrison ’04, played a wall defense that neither Villalon nor Barnette could penetrate. Actually, it is nearly impossible to score in broomball with thirty people on the ice, since any time it gets anywhere near one of the goals, there are instantly ten people swarming around the ball, hacking at each others shins until one person (Matute) crashes through and kicks the ball. A goal usually occurs when the goalie, not being able to see anything, accidentally kicks the ball backwards into the net.

Certainly this was not the case for the first goal of the night, when Bertken, after 52 minutes, masterfully maneuvered the ball around six defenders and scored with an around-the-back shot that skidded between the legs of the intimidated freshman goalie. “I felt like I was touched by an angel,” breathed Bertken. “God helped me to succeed.” As TSL has discovered from intensive investigation, she was in fact assisted by Andrew Tyler ’04 who currently holds the league record for long ball assists. Your God had nothing to do with it.

With eight minutes left to go, the freshmen cranked up the intensity. With Captain Ian Rhinehart ’07 and native Fresnoan Jordan Tong ’07 dominating the fore field, the freshmen battled to put points up on the board. In the end, with three minutes left to go, freshman Paul nudged the ball into the goal, much to the dismay of the seniors. “T’ain’t fair!” wailed Tremblay. “I didn’t even get to touch anything with my stick!” The buzzer sounded without either team scoring again, and thus a tie ended another rousing round of broomball.

After deep deliberation, it was concluded that the Senior-Freshman coerced interaction event was a true success, since a carload got to see Holly Morrison’s bare ass. ‘Nuff said.