Dick on Food: Cheap Beer Taste Test

By Eddie Dick
Staff Writer

These are trying times, economically. The unemployment rate for August was 6.1 percent, and job prospects for those of us facing graduation in eight months are looking grim. It was just a few years ago that Pomona seniors could boast $10K signing bonuses, stock options, and jobs that offered free massages and Sony PlayStations in the break room. These were times when students’ dorm rooms were stocked with single malt scotch, and beers with names such as “Anchor Steam” and “Sierra Nevada” were commonly witnessed inside refrigerators.

But those times are over, and the economic reality is settling in. Cans of Natural Light and Pabst Blue Ribbon adorn the inside of nearly every trashcan on campus. Students now are faced with the arduous task of selecting a cheap beer from a dizzying array of options lining the supermarket beer isle. For those of you who find yourself confused in these penny pinching times, have no fear. I present the “Dick On Food Cheap Beer Taste Test,” your guide to getting sloshed on a budget.

THE SYSTEM:

Seven panelists were selected from the Pomona College student body and the surrounding community, based on qualities such as leadership, academic reputation and willingness to drink cheap beer for free. The selection of beers consisted of three lagers, two light beers, and one ice beer. All beers fell below the five-cent-per-ounce price level. Tasting blind, the panelists ranked beers on a scale of one to ten, ten being the highest possible score. Judiciary Council Associate Chair Brian Palmer-Rubin ’04 served as the official moderator, insuring the integrity of the results.

Before we get to the results, one thing must be noted. None of these beers are good, and serving any one of them at a function that is meant to impress is not recommended

THE RESULTS: (starting with last place)

Riebenbach Light: This is a very tempting cheap beer for college students to buy since it was the cheapest of the contestants and can usually be found on sale at Albertson’s in twelve-packs costing $4. At that price one is likely to figure, “It’s only $4, what can go wrong?” Believe me when I tell you--a lot. In our taste test this beer scored an astonishingly low average score of 2.98 on the ten point scale. The flavor was described as being anywhere from “skunky” to “astringent” and one taster went so far as to say that the taste “gets worse with every sip”. Worse than the first impression of this beer is the finish which, elicited numerous gasps of disgust and was most colorfully described as resembling the taste of a “rotten melon.”

Lucky Lager: This funky little beer (and I don’t mean that in the affectionate sense) scores major points with consumers by coming in cute little eleven ounce bottles. Another bonus with this beer is the bottle caps, which have word puzzles printed on the inside--perfect entertainment for drunk Pomona College students. But that is where the fun ends. This beer is absolutely horrid. The consensus of the panel was best summed up by one panelist when he said, “Smells and tastes like a wet dog that has rolled in urine.” Lucky Lager received an average score of 3.2.

Keystone Light: This beer received many positive comments from female testers and an overall average score of 3.9. The panelists concluded that it was the perfect “chick beer,” a mostly flavorless brew that goes down easy. Although Keystone’s advertising touts this as a “never bitter” beer, many panelists found it to have an unpleasant aftertaste. One panelist was so unimpressed that he threatened to “dump it on [the author’s] head for making [him] drink it.”

Pabst Blue Ribbon: Having been “Selected as America’s Best in 1893,” this was the clear favorite going into the competition and held the top position on two panelists’ score sheets. Pabst Blue Ribbon, or PBR as it is known in some circles, has undergone somewhat of a renaissance over the past few years. Its low price, decent taste and classic can design make it the choice of status-conscious cheapskates everywhere. However, in this test, PBR managed only to attain a score of 5.8. This is due in part to a quality control error that caused PBR to be served at a much warmer temperature than the other beers. Had it not been for this irregularity, PBR would most certainly have clinched the number two spot.

Natural Ice: Several panelists referred to Natural Ice, known on the street as Natty Ice, as the beer of choice at their respective high schools. This is a beer that has long been praised for its moderately low price, lack of flavor and high alcohol content (5.9 percent). Unfortunately many panelists complained of a “funny and distinct” component to the taste. Descriptions of this component ranged from “chemical” and “acidic,” all the way to “super-carbonated.” Its score of 6.0 managed to only slightly edge out PBR. For those simply interested in ethanol-induced delirium, this is the perfect cheap beer.

And the winner is…

Old Milwaukee: With an average score of 7.1, Old Milwaukee easily grabbed the first place trophy. It drew praise from one panelist who claimed he “could drink a case of those” and another who went so far as to call it “pretty decent.” Even after the test was over, panelists continued to drink Old Milwaukee, which is something that cannot be said for all the beers included in this test. At 3.8 cents an ounce, this beer is a real steal and a worthy winner of the “Dick On Food Cheap Beer Taste Test.”