Former TSL editor and current expatriot Mathew Jacobson Kolsky is returning to campus next semester, according to unnamed, high-level sources at the Drug Enforcement Agency. While many students have expressed little or no excitement in Kolsky's return, calling the event "schwagg" or "whatever," an entire subculture of the Pomona College student body is trembling with quiet fear.
Kolsky, who is the self-proclaimed "best highathelete ever," is expected by all accounts to make a triumphant return to the high sporting field. Kolsky has won international acclaim for past performances in "highsquash" and "highbasketball," and rumor has it that he is now even more unstoppable, due to the fact that he no longer gets "the munchies."
Kolsky initially won fame upon uttering the immortal line "I smoked up the world," after defeating a geriatric and somewhat baked Sony Liston in a game of one-on-one basketball.
Kolsky has demonstrated an eagerness to quickly return to his pre-"mandatory leave of absence" form, and is already scheduled to take on Dusty Baker '02 and his entire "Cock Explosion" in a game of one on six basketball.
"It's definitely possible that I'm flying too close to the sun on wings of paper and wax by challenging six people at once," said a sweaty and shirtless Kolsky, "but smoking weed gives me the agility of Jordan, the strength of ten mortal men, and an intense tingly feeling in my fingers."
"He's ready for this," mumbled his trainer and former co-editor Nathan Fisher '03. "It's been a long time since I've found him curled up naked in a ball on the bathroom floor."
"We've developed a grueling regimen of tough love," continued Fisher, "Those mornings when he simply can't get out of bed or even be awakened, I begin by flicking the lights on and off repeatedly, before dousing him with cold water, hot water, cold water, etc. Also, please don't tell others the way I live."
Jacob Wolman '03, another member of the Kolsky brain trust, was surly when asked for comment. After sufficient prodding however, Wolman indicated that he too thought Kolsky was ready for all upcoming high contests.
"I thank God every day that I no longer live with Kolsky," said Wolman through gritted teeth. "I've seen him smoke shavings from his own desk, so I know that he is ready to meet any challenge that may present itself."
The extent of Kolsky's addiction appears not to be in question. Similarly, Kolsky appears to be ready for his return to Pomona College. The only question that remains is whether Pomona College is ready for him.
