In a game that, in the short time since it has passed has already been called "intense," "riveting," and "filled with name calling," the Clark V Flashmasters beat the Clark I Worcestireshires, pronounced woosters, for the less cultured of the readership - well, okay, for everyone who isn't British, who, let's face it, are crazy anyway - in a "dramatic" game of curling.
Adding to the high level of play was the high level of confusion, caused in part, some assert, by the fact that none of the players were Canadians.
Yeah, you know, we played together as a team really well, I felt. But sometimes I guess we had some difficulty, since we didn't know any rules. Actually, we thought we were supposed to play soccer," said Woosters, sorry, Worcestirshires, Head Captain Aidan Doherty '03.
Yeah, see, we were supposed to have a game of intramural soccer, but Pomona put in the new curling rink, I guess they just don't know what else to do with their endowment anymore, so we played that instead. But I don't think it would have made a difference if we knew what to do anyway. That is one fucked up game. You'd have to be, like, Canadian or something to be able to play it."
Fans on the sidelines agreed. "Why do they keep hitting each other with brooms?" was one of the most commonly heard questions. This question was especially annoyingly repeated after two opposing sweepers started to fight one another. While details of the fight were available at press time, the names of the students are being withheld by the Claremont Police Department while they await trial for assault.
The incident reportedly began after one of the Flashmaster players, whose defense team plans to plead "a temporary British affliction," called a Worce- fuck it, a Wooster player a "mad bloody booby" and spat at him. The Clark I player retaliated by (what else?) hitting the player with his broom. Sources close to the scene at the time report he first attempted assualt with an actual curler, but was forced to resort to using his stick after he was unable to lift it. Dan Driscoll ' 05, who was among the throng watching the fight, said "it was pretty pathetic…I know that when I get in curling fights I can always pick up the curler. I can always hit the other guy, too. I have really great aim, in fact. It's my gift. My curse."
A vicious bout of name-calling ensued after courageous bystanders leaned over the rink's edge to relieve the brawlers of their brooms. Though the physical fighting had abated, a dean considered it appropriate to call Campus Safety anyway. Two burly men arrived at the scene, ran onto the court, and fell down. While they moaned and clutched their knees, the dean, who asked not to be named, said "maybe we should have told them about the ice," and promptly left the scene. The quarreling players also departed, making plans to finish off a few forties and stick with intramural soccer in the future.
Overall, it was a good game. Well, kind of catty when those guys started pinching each other after we took their sticks. But a good game, really," Doherty claimed afterwards.
