Alright, this is it, kids. I've had enough of your ultra-liberal agenda, your reverse discrimination, your blind eye to the slaughter of innocents, your determination to see America driven into the ground, crushed under the heels of the likes of Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. I've decided to stop rejecting freedom and start living the way our Forefathers envisioned. I've decided to become a Republican.
Granted, the decision wasn't easy. But the other night, listening to Dr. Laura, I had an epiphany. I've been going about all of this the wrong way. The whole approach of tackling problems at their roots is absurd; why would we expend effort eliminating discrimination and inequality in our society when people like me benefit from it everyday? I'm white, male, and educated, and the bleeding hearts aren't going to stop me from getting what I deserve.
I think the whole process of my becoming conservative started last Thursday, when I attended a Celebrity Charity Bingo event in Grooveline. I've always respected Meredith Small; she's intelligent, articulate and driven. But Dorothy Lam sure kicked her ass. When asked about disproportionately high minority populations in prison, I was sure Meredith wouldn't blink before reciting the standard liberal-the correct-answer. Boy, was I wrong. Dorothy didn't miss a beat; I wouldn't have thought of her answer-that minorities commit more crimes, duh-but it hit me like a ton of bricks. She's absolutely right. That's why our society convicts more black people; they're off robbing 7-11s while the elite masses of educated whites file neatly into offices, where they gain valuable office skills, like how to use a shredder. Once they learn, they can spend many hours a day fixing up the economy, doing things like practicing their shredding skills on sensitive financial documents. Thank God they're not out committing crimes-they're getting rid of all that stuffy paper waste!
Plus, everyone knows that Democrats are usually vegan and don't pay taxes. What kind of patriot sits around smoking marijuana all day when there's a war to be fought? With Iraq all freaked out about being the focus of potential invasion by a much larger, more powerful nation, it's America's duty to go in and make sure Saddam doesn't pull anything tricky in a panic. And if each of us isn't eating a lot of beef, think about all the tax revenue that President Bush won't have at his disposal in leading our country-a country that's willing to wage war in the interest of freedom and democracy, which some people call "oil." Regardless, I don't understand why you would care about animal rights and the environment when Saddam Hussein has a giant nuclear bomb aimed straight at all of us.
Dorothy made another astute point when she described an article she had read in Fortune that talked about women who don't want to be CEOs. She explained that the distinctly male-dominated corporate culture is only distinctly male-dominated because women don't mind; they're too busy hanging out at home, taking care of the kids, which is kind of what they should be doing anyway. It's a good thing our society teaches them to understand that early on; otherwise, they might have no idea what to think when they realize how inexplicably unhappy they are in their jobs. In case you're wondering, wonder no more: ethnic minorities and gays aren't interested in the corporate environment either-they're perfectly content holding up 7-11s and shopping at Banana Republic, respectively, although black gays, if they exist, are probably stealing from B.R., not shopping there. At least they will go to prison.
Conservatives are also right about abortion, and the totally unrelated issue of capital punishment. The truth clearly indicts a society that is willing to rob the breath of life from a clump of cells in a uterus. Indeed, who are we to say those cells don't have a soul, or at least that they don't have the rights of an autonomous but defenseless human being? Anyone who would sanction the murder of people who have committed no wrong is a monster; that's why I'm happy we always make completely sure that capital murder convicts are guilty before we execute them. God knows grown-ups are more than a couple of cells. So it only follows that if we know someone pulled the trigger on another human being, it's fitting, and only fitting, to pull the trigger on that person. Especially minorities-they deserve a higher statistical chance of execution for identical offenses, because they commit all the crimes, remember?
And thank goodness Republicans endorse the God-given right to own guns. Remember what I was saying about the sanctity of life? Well you can't very well defend the sanctity of life without a lethal weapon in your hand, can you? Plus, there's hunting.
Of course, even killing babies isn't as bad as Homosexuals and Lesbians trying to have families. Couples made up of Homosexuals and Lesbians have spent thousands of years trying to get everyone else, especially kids, to be Homosexual and Lesbian; when there are so many functional normal couples to take care of them, why would we trust Homosexuals and Lesbians with young, impressionable children that require the nurture of a safe, loving environment? Please. If we give those people kids, the next thing we know they'll be asking to marry each other.
I don't want to make it sound like I'm too self-interested here, but I should point out that if things like affirmative action and equal rights were accepted in our society, white males like me would be S.O.L. I can barely stand the thought of how quickly I'd be displaced from a reasonable standard of living once ethnic minorities and women were extended the advantage of having one too. Really, it's a financial issue. In an economy as small as ours, there's only enough room for some people to be happy. So let's not go asking for things we can't have.
