Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Peter W. Stanley

Arnold Schwarzenegger New President
By Kyle Beeback
One-Liner Historian

On Wednesday, November 20, Pomona College's trustees announced that their rigorous search for the ninth president of Pomona College had ended. Following the recommendations of the Presidential Search Committee, Pomona's trustees revealed that actor and activist Arnold Schwarzenegger has accepted the position of President of Pomona College. Arnold Schwarzenegger has appeared in 26 films spanning 3 decades and will be starring in his 27th film, Terminator 3, to be released at the beginning of next year.

Castration Now to Protect Golf Carts
By Clarke Bastard
Illegitimate News Child

"We've been waiting to do this for quite some time now," said Campus Safety Officer John Leslie. "Now, you could say that we've finally got these kids by the balls." The new pro-castration policy was not previously announced to the five-college community. It was, however, long in the works. "This wasn't the first time we've had vehicle theft problems on campus," said officer Leslie. "We've tried to have the Claremont PD scare these kids straight by pistol whipping them before, but they just don't learn. We figured permanently confiscating their little ding-a-ling-a-lings just might teach them a lesson."

Students' Pornalicious Harwood Expectations a Disappointment
By Reising Wang
Pornography Correspondent

Playboy spokesman Randy Bucks admitted today that they never thought Harwood Halloween was all that great. The announcement came after numerous complaints from Playboy readers disappointed by the early shutdowns and various other shortcomings at a party once included in Playboy's top ten list of college parties around the country. The party was removed from the list in 1987, when, according to Bucks, "The list guy got dumped by that girl from CCLA he was shacking up with, and then he decided the charade had gone far enough." The Playboy mystique has continued to buoy unreasonable expectations of pornaliciousness at Harwood Halloween up to the present day.

Pomona Not Most Elite of Five Colleges?
By Ava Rice
Seven Deadly Sins Correspondent

CESIPP Director Dr. David Robins concluded that these myths are perpetuated by the respective schools themselves. "Pomona students may like to think they possess certain characteristics that set them apart from, say, CMC kids, and vice versa," Robins said. In fact, he announced, "it turns out they're a pretty homogenous bunch. Put together, they're all basically sheltered upper-middle class kids from the suburbs." Pomona spokeswoman Cynthia Peters expressed indignation and attempted to discredit the findings. "This is ludicrous," she said. "It is a widely accepted fact that Pomona students are the most sheltered and privileged by a long shot."

Beer to Flow Like Water at Pomona
By Spuds McKenzie
Heroic Beer Dog at Large

In an effort to curb drinking on Pomona's campus, beer will now be served in dining halls three meals per day. With alcohol-related hospitalizations at an all-time high, it is clear that despite Pomona's effort at creating an Ivy League environment, this student body cannot hold their liquor in the extraordinary way representative of more prestigious universities on the east coast. Nonetheless, due to increased sexual energy on campus, the Sagehen thirst for intoxicating spirits is on the rise. This penchant coupled with staggering low tolerances presents Dean of Students Ann Quinley with a considerable predicament.