Ants Suck. And Stay the Hell Out of My Bathroom.
The Board of Homeland Editorials

As of this printing, there are ants in my bathroom. I hesitate to say that this is the "last straw," since I will continue to use this bathroom and just sort of avoid the ants. But, the ants, for me, really drive home the point that I don't really like certain people who share my bathroom. Well, just one person, really. I won't name him, because that would constitute an ad hominem attack, which our beloved President Stanley has ruled out of bounds for this issue, and rightly so. But, he should really know who he is by now, if he doesn't already, that ant-bringing bastard. Don't get me wrong, while I don't know most of the people I live next to, I wouldn't say I don't like them. But there is this one guy, he knows who he is, who uses the bathroom even though he doesn't live anywhere near my bathroom and he even has the nerve to complain about me-cutting my own hair in the privacy of my own bathroom, just because a little bit of the hair doesn't make it to the trash and lingers on the counter, where he would rather, I suppose, just have ants.

The guy is a prick. He really is, you know, the typical guy that Pomona admits these days: plain, bland, drab, probably varsity in high school (certainly not any longer), probably good at standardized tests, unquestionably standard, really not witty, shamefully pale, generally unquestioning of authority etc. etc.

The room he stays in always smells a little "off."

So listen, buddy, please throw whatever horrible food you shovel into yourself day after day into your own trash and not into my bathroom. Whatever you like, so too do the ants. I hope you are humiliated. You and your classmates, both.