Gorillas in the mist; I'd like to show Jane Goodall my fist! Cuz she's very high on the list of people that make me pissed.
What I like to call a "cautionary tale."

As, this is the joke issue, we thought we'd tell you a hilarious joke. And that hilarious joke, my friends, is the truth. What follows is the true account of the burgeoning, and imploding relationship between a Pomona senior and a Pitzer freshman.

One of our roommates who we'll call Jenny W., no wait that's too obvious. We'll call her J. Wickens, met a rambunctious badminton, I mean sports, player at a badminton, I mean sporting event, I mean game. Actually, they were buying the keg for the badminton barbeque. I mean, the ball for the game. Anyhoo, Jenny was impressed by both his large pecs and his large brain, I mean pecs. Then, they discovered that they both had gone to the same high school in their home state of Florida. How wonderful! How sexy! How hideously incestuous! One thing led to another and Diego and Jenny were soon back in Jenny's room in her bed, at 8 PM. They were trashed. We were distressed! He smelled bad! And his butt was always already right there when you opened the door!

The relationship developed into a deep and loving one. Diego would come to Jenny's window after participating in such wholesome events as The Boot and The Pub. The trek to Pomona was worth it if there was a keg at the other end. Diego would call out Jenny's name and she would wake up usually, and let him in. And there they would stay for many hours. Many horrible hours. And I could not go to the bathroom out of fear! Lots of fear! Fear of Pitzer freshmen.

The culmination, or shall we say, end, of this relationship came one fateful Wednesday night. Diego was wasted, but Jenny was writing a paper. When he yelled at her window, she hesistantly let him in. Soon after he was naked and in her bed flailing around wildly while Jenny, uninterested, continued to work. Finally, Jenny made him leave. After he left, he ran into a gorilla on the way back to Pitzer, or so he told us in a phone interview. Then, the gorilla ate off all of his limbs. Now all that's left, of Diego is a trunk! But don't underestimate the trunk! Lots of important things happen there. So Diego did what any of us would do in his situation, he moved to Antartica, the only continent on the whole planet where gorillas do not live. And now, despite his profound fear of gorillas, he can live in piece, I mean peace. Oh, Diego, we miss you, but we've learned our lesson, and that lesson is that dating Pitzer freshman usually results in someone's limbs being eaten off by gorillas, and no one wants that.