A new committee has popped up on campus these days and they're up to no good. We're talking about the committee investigating alcohol use at Pomona College. For the past several days, the Committee for Investigating the Alcohol Culture at Pomona College (CIACPC) has been running meetings and conducting surveys to gain some insight into the world of booze here at Pomona. As a result of their investigations, our neighborhood friends and amigos Captain Morgan, Piotr Smirnoff, Jose Cuervo, Jack Daniels, and Bailey are under more scrutiny than they've ever been under before here in Claremont, California, and they're not gonna take it anymore. They're speaking out and fighting the man.
We found Captain Morgan on Walker Beach, desperate, penniless, and hopeless. "Argh ye matees," he told us in an exclusive Student Life interview. "Arrr, I only ask for one thing in life matees, and that's for me Silver Spiced Rum to be enjoyed by masses of sober students. It ain't right matee! Ye can take away me foot and me leg but you can't take away me Silver and Original Spiced Puerto Rican Rum, with spices and other natural flavors, arrgh."
Morgan is not alone in his despair. The first born of wealthy Welsh parents, Morgan is grieving a movement that would likely remove his special sauce from dorm room closets and shelves across campus. Jose Cuervo, Spanish landowner and entrepreneur, was nearly passed out in the Lyon lounge, television tuned to the Mundo Channel. "Amigo, lemme tell you something amigo," mumbled Cuervo. "One time, man, I saw a chico take seis body shots of my world-famous tequila. Seis means six, okay? Then amigo, I saw dis guy puke into the toilet seis times. Then guess what. He slept for seis hours man. Did you know my birthday is in seis weeks? I got seis fingers on my left hand man! Seis, seis, seis! Crazy mierda, amigo." When asked what he thought about the committee investigating alcohol use, Cuervo responded, "Did you know that CIACPC stands for "Can I (Have) Another Cuervo Please Chica?" Jose Cuervo was unavailable for further comment.
The life of Cuervo and Morgan is grim indeed with changes in alcohol policy on the horizon, but none are more likely to feel the pain than Piotr Smirnoff from Moscow, Russia. "A goot rooshen haas do vill hiz lungs vit vorm vodka," said Smirnoff. (A good Russian has to fill his lungs with warm vodka.) Smirnoff, found drinking vodka in the Russian language classroom in Mason, cites the fact that his countrymen rely on vodka in order to stay warm as a reason for why the effects of strict policy modifications could be disastrous. "You zee dat big goolden zing in da zgy? Vin dat leev, and da znoo iz zixteen veet dall, zen you vill zay, vere iz my vooken vodka!" (You see that big golden thing in the sky? When that leaves and the snow is sixteen feet tall, then you will say, where is my gosh darn vodka!)
With temperatures dropping at a rapid pace and the cold harsh winters approaching, Claremont students do worry that they'll need a way to stay warm.
"I was outside the other day, and I swear it was like, at most 75 degrees. I mean, I was about to die!" said Pomona student Molly Frederick, '06. "If I didn't have my bottle of Smirnoff with me I think I would have gotten frostbite. This committee thingy better not take away that, or what will we ever do when winter comes along and it drops down to 72?"
Jack Daniels, maker of fine Tennessee whiskey, was discovered sitting on a rocking chair in the Mudd Courtyard. "Well, son, lemme tell you what my pa would do in a time of crisis like this. He would git out his whippin stick and beat me silly. He did leave some mark, boy howdy."
Daniels, standing at a mere 5'2", elaborated on what he felt to be the best solution to the alcohol issue. "Boy if I was you, I'd find yoself one of them big sticks in the Quad you got there. And not one a them sissy sticks, but a big thick southern stick and I'd walk up to that there committee and beat some sense into them. That's what my pa would do."
For those less violent, Bailey, found sitting peacefully in a tree in Marston Quad, offered an alternative solution. "Ah, you know it's a shame dat me Bailey's Irish Cream, the pride of Ireland, is getting the boot. But I tink we might be better off if we just put a big rainbow over the campus and made it rain Lucky Charms! Everyone loves me Lucky Charms! Hee hee!" At this point our reporters watched in horror as the little Irish man fell from the branches of the tree and plunked into the grass below. Medics attended to Mr. Bailey, who was deemed too inebriated to exercise motor functions, and took him to the Claremont Hospital.
Morgan, Cuervo, Smirnoff, Daniels, and Bailey's mounting rage against the possibility of a change in alcohol policy has gotten the whole campus jittery. The victor in the battle of five men against CIACPC remains to be seen. But in the meanwhile, the men will continue drinking and propagating incredibly obvious ethnic stereotypes.
