To Stay Relevant, Dems Must Stop Aping GOP Policy Moves
By Peter Douglas
Opinions Writer

The results of this election were as if Santa Claus left me a fat sack of coal and some switches, and then came in my room and kicked me in the head just for good measure. I was hoping to wake up to news of a Democratic House and Senate and the promise of forcing President Bush to back down from his frightening foreign and domestic policies. Instead, I saw disappointing, but not really surprising, headlines, reporting that the Democrats had lost the Senate and failed to win the House. Now the Republicans basically control all three branches of the federal government, and are free to pursue their agenda of cutting taxes for all things rich and corporate, tearing up the country in search of fossil fuels, and preemptively attacking Iraq and any other country that they don’t like (provided the abundance, in those countries, of fossil fuels).

Flip-Flops Top List of Things-to-avoid-because-they're-deadly
By Michael Owen
Opinions Editor

There is no elevator music when you are waiting on hold for J. Crew customer service. You can either wait in silence, or make up your own tunes, until an agent is available to assist you. Today I am calling about an extremely pressing issue. I must warn J. Crew that their flip-flops, two pairs of which I bought for $6.99 each in August, pose a grave hazard to the human race. Also, I want free stuff, or stock.

Claremont "Bedroom Community": Consider Relocating
By David Lydon
Opinions Writer

So who didn’t find Jeff Horowitz’s Harwood Halloween story last week completely ridiculous? I wound up missing Harwood Halloween this year, so I’m not going to comment on the merits, or lack thereof, of the noise complaints per se, but I am going to comment at great length on several interesting things I learned from the article. First, apparently Claremont’s post-10 p.m. noise restriction outlaws the sound volume of a normal speaking voice. I lived in the North corner of Smiley last year, and it always annoyed me when the cars and motorcycles without mufflers would make a lot of noise accelerating past the stop sign at 2 a.m., but I never in my wildest dreams thought that it might actually be illegal. If you live in Smiley 101 this year, you may want to exercise your rights, and call CPD every time you hear a car accelerating.

Effort to Find Accountability in Mideast Crisis Ignores History, US Culpability
By Nathan Fisher
Managing Editor

I acknowledge that Eli Mokyr is entitled to her opinion on Israel’s civil war, and I respect her point that it is not a simple situation by any stretch of the imagination. Moreover, I agree with her that “Israeli politics have not evolved in a vacuum,” although I would invite her to think through the implications of that statement to a greater extent than she proceeded to do in her opinion (“Cartoon Missed Heart of Issues in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict”) last week.

Instant Messaging is Convenient, Fun, Sure to End Civilization
By Cory Forsyth
Opinions Writer

Zillions of instant messages a day are slung back and forth, both intra-campus and into the wider world. In most other developed countries, text-based messaging via cell phones is similarly popular. In Australia, for example, over two million SMS (short message service) messages are sent daily. The populace relies on “texting” each other, and “safe text” parties are held, where the attendees have a number affixed to their back that onlookers can use to anonymously message them. I personally have an ambivalent, love-it-and-hate-it, junkie’s fascination with and dependence on AOL Instant Messenger. There was a time freshman year when, frustrated with the unprecedented levels of procrastination it inspired, I had a hall-mate encrypt the software on my computer and promise not to tell me the password until after the weekend.