Food is Sexy. Sex is foody.

Some foods are traditionally thought of as sexy. These fall into fairly predictable taxonomies: wine, strawberries, Popsicles, ice-cream cones, really big bananas, and apples that look like butts. Years have gone by, yet scholars continue to define only these select foods as sexy. We propose that there are many others which deserve recognition and exploration because they too, eaten properly, can be incredibly sexy.

Now we move to Frank Dining Hall at Pomona College to demonstrate our point. Two sophomores, Jacques and Françoise, both lived in Wig back hall last year. All second semester, Jacques had a crush on the French-Canadian sexpot Françoise. He found her très, très chaud. One evening, Jacques stumbles into a lonely seat only to find that sitting across from him is Françoise, in the very same booth, the cool booth! In the back corner! It’s dark back there, and sexy.

Jacques looks with dismay at his tray! He knows that he must somehow impress and attract Françoise at this very meal, but as he is not much one for words, his only hope is to attract her with his food. But there isn’t a glass of wine, a strawberry, or a really big banana anywhere in sight! What will he do?

Luckily, Jacques reads this very article the night before the fateful dinner! He remembers all its wisdom and is utterly prepared!

Jacques rolls up his sleeves to reveal unimpressive biceps, and behind, unimpressive triceps! But when he picks up his knife and begins sawing at his tough, bloody steak, his muscles come alive, and look like they’ve never looked before! They look, one might say, like sex itself.

Steak reveals another fascinating possibility. As Jacques chews each hunk of meat, his flabby jaw gains definition and his double chin disappears as he works harder than ever before to chew his meat!

Jacques notices that Françoise has finished her bread, leaving (what luck!) breadcrumbs!!! Breadcrumbs, nature’s finest gift, provide endless sexual possibilities. Jacques slowly and sensually licks his fingers. He picks up the breadcrumbs a few at time by dabbing them with his moist fingers. Where breadcrumbs once lay, there now remains a sensuous squiggle on the naked body-like spaces of Françoise’s otherwise bread encrusted, warm, sweaty plate.

Françoise has not missed this display. Her interest is aroused.

Jacques has one more dish on his tray. The soup bowl! And in the soup bowl, the soup! What kind of soup, one might ask? Sexy soup. That’s right soup, it’s your time to shine! Recognition at last, for the sexed-up thing that you are! Jacques picks up his soupspoon, and draws some broth to his parched lips. He holds it in his mouth until the heat of the soup makes his lips red, swollen, and pouty. When he takes the next slurp, he carefully dribbles soup all over his chin, and then instead of cleaning it off, he leaves it there, until some of it drips onto his bare chest, and then he licks the remainder off of his chin, exposing his kiss-ready tongue.

As if that weren’t enough, Jacques notices that Françoise has spilled oil and vinegar on her arm. It seems like a big mess, but in fact, it’s an excellent opportunity. In a flurry of love, Jacques reaches for a napkin, and begins to dab at her arm ever so gently, as if the napkin were a piece of bread, and Françoise’s arm a plate. When all the oil and vinegar are gone, Jacques devours the napkin, with a devilish, yet playful look in his eye.

Françoise, overcome with the expert way in which Jacques has handled his food, snatches the remainder of the napkin from his mouth and kisses him passionately, secretly, yummily, in the corner of Frank Dining Hall, where many others have kissed before.

As you can see, many foods beyond those initially listed deserve to be associated with sex. Our idea of sexy food can now be expanded to include steak, breadcrumbs, soup, oil, vinegar, and napkins. Take that Cosmopolitan!