Unsolicited Advice: Vasectomy
By John Doe
contributing Writer

Pete Moss: Have you ever been chewing rocks in the wilderness and broken a tooth, exposing the nerve?

M: Yes. It was very painful, and I passed out. Then the dog sled took me to a medical facility which was many hours away.

Pete Moss: Well, you could have fixed it yourself.

M: How?

Pete Moss: I’ll tell you how! You need three things: aspirin, wax, and official wilderness medical training (unless you’re administering the root canal to yourself, in which case, you may do whatever you want, regardless of your lack of training).

M: Can I use candle wax?

Pete Moss: Yes, or earwax. But you need a lot of it. A big chunk. You would have to have really waxy ears.

What you do is chew one aspirin really hard on the hurt tooth. You need to chew it for 5 minutes. This will hurt really, really badly. Think of the worst pain you ever felt; it will probably feel worse than that, like lighting your whole head on fire, while stubbing your toe and breaking your femur (well, maybe not that badly). The aspirin cauterizes (kills) the nerve.

This is, in essence, a root canal. Once the nerve is dead, you won’t feel any more pain. You can then cover the tooth with wax of a smooshy consistency. The wax will cover the broken tooth so that it doesn’t cut your mouth.

If you are having a heart attack in the wilderness, aspirin is also helpful.

In the case of a heart attack you should swallow, and not chew, the aspirin. Otherwise, do not take aspirin. It is no longer the drug of choice.

M: While we’re on the topic of pain relievers, I should mention that studies have shown that, taken regularly, Advil might prevent Alzheimer’s Disease, but it sure didn’t help my broken tooth.