Want to Score Big Time? Watch Shoalin Soccer!
By Chris Meyer
Contributing Writer

If you haven’t yet seen a movie that satisfactorily mixes high-caliber kung fu action with the strategy, teamwork and angry crowds inherent to the game of soccer, then Shaolin Soccer is just the movie for you. Written, directed by and starring Steven Chow as an out-of-work kung-fu master, this film from Hong Kong has smashed box office records in its home country and looks to be headed over to America in the form of a dubbed English version from Miramax early next year. But there’s no need to wait until then to witness the majesty of Shaolin Soccer, as the DVD is easily available right now. This version ought to be superior, too, due to the amazing amount of work that went into the subtitle translations. Never in my life will I forget such memorable lines as the coach’s inspiring advice, “How can you let him to kick the soccer?” or Iron Shirt’s unforgettable postmodern malaise: “You see! There are full of planes in the sky. There are full of computer in the street.” It’s little grammatical touches like these that make the film an unforgettable experience and really make you see the world in a new light all over again. So my point is: settle for nothing; fight the power; watch it on DVD.

At the heart of Shaolin Soccer lies an old rivalry between Hung and Fung, between a manipulating villain and a crippled but heroic remnant of an old soccer star, between an evil, remorseless owner and a coach that’s just really greedy. But aside from this power struggle lies the moral core of the film: Sing (Stephen Chow)’s attempts to popularize Kung Fu and restore it to its former glory. After an ill-fated attempt at reviving Kung Fu through the magic of lounge singing (sample lyric: “Shaolin kung-fu is great! / Really great! / Shaolin kung-fu is wonderful! / Really wonderful!”) he realizes that in order to awaken the sleepy masses, he and his former Shaolin brothers must harness their Kung Fu might upon the soccer field.

And harness they do. As the team’s forward, Sing contributes only a slightly less powerful offense than, say, a tornado; he’s backed up by (among others) Iron Head, a chain-smoker who has a head made of, well, iron, and Weight Vest, who can fly (just as a real weight vest should). In the national tournament to win a million “dollars,” the team makes short work of the rabble in the preliminary matches. But how will they perform against their rivals, Hung’s Evil Team Yes, the evil team is actually called Evil Team. Reporters call them that.

This movie also owns all of us through its special effects. Ok, make your Matrix comparisons. Make your Crouching Tiger references. The film borrows from them and makes fun of them at the same time. But the special effects are at least as equally amazing here as they are in those other two movies.

As good as the premise, special effects et al. are, the little extra touches added here and there really cement the film’s quality. Whether it’s the circular momentum of coins in a traveling pot, the glass-shattering wake of a sonic boom on the field or the choice between DTS Surround and Dolby Digital, the DVD just oozes with little quirks and details that make the tale all the more believable. Well, aside from the big guy flying around. One bizarre facet of the film is the amount of ludicrous violence and human injury; it seems like everyone in the city (outside of the team) is a mad, violent sociopath who hands out routine beatings to poor singers and imperfect soccer players. This is probably some part of Chinese pop culture that I don’t understand, and if you’re a Jackass fan you probably won’t care too much, but the random beatings just seem oddly out of place in an otherwise happy, fairy tale kind of story.

But don’t let it bother you; Shaolin Soccer really is worth checking out, and not just for the lo-fi translation. There’s so much to like about it that just about everybody will find different selling points, so it’s useless for me to repeat any here; just reside in the comfortable knowledge that copies are going for about eight dollars on E-Bay right now.