Anonymous Advice for YOU

Sometimes I’m sick and I wonder to myself, when will I ever get better? I had been sick for at least a week with nothing really substantial. So I asked my friend, Pete Moss, what to do. Here’s how our conversation went:
Pete: Hey, M, (that’s me) what are you doing this weekend?
M: Ohhh, nothing. I’m sick. I guess I shouldn’t go out.
Pete: No, you should go out. Drinking will make you better.
M: No it won’t. Will it really?
Pete: Yeah, it’s proven. The alcohol goes down your throat and kills the bacteria. I would specifically recommend drinking tequila. And lime, because the acidity kills the germs. And salt.
Sugar feeds the bacteria. Salt does not. That’s why people gargle with salt water. So you want salt, lime and tequila.
If you can’t get that, then you want vodka and orange juice. Because orange juice is what sick people drink.
So I tried it out. I drank a bit and forgot all about my sickness. And the next morning when I woke up, I was refreshed and rested and my body had forgotten all about my sickness too. I owe it all to Pete, and to alcohol!
M: Pete reminds me that this technique only works when you’re really hydrated. You need to drink at least 3 Nalgenes full of water throughout the course of the night. That’s almost a gallon! And you can’t drink beer. Just shots. Or mixed drinks. With juice.