By ADAM FREED
A&F Staff Writer
Some people are chronic smokers. Some are chronic
“chronic” smokers. Others are chronic drinkers, and
yet more are chronic eaters. I am guilty of none of these things.
My chronicity falls into a category beyond these vices. I am a
chronic loser.
Now I know what you’re thinking…Adam Freed? A chronic
loser? No way. Or maybe, who the hell is Adam Freed? And why should
I care? Most of you surely are thinking the latter. What you may
not know is that everyone is a chronic loser to some degree.
Now, when I say that I’m a chronic loser I don’t mean
that the seniors give me wedgies and swirlies. And I’m not
saying that I have a fixation with putting icy hot on sensitive
areas of my body. Rather, I have a gift of being able to lose
anything and everything. In the previous 24 hours, I have lost
my toothbrush, toothpaste, a cup, a shaving razor, a t-shirt,
my mailbox key, my room key and my mind. In one day! And I swear
I was not intoxicated when I lost them.
In the communal setting of college where dorm rooms are left open
and people can access your things as easily as germs can infest
your body, “losing things” or having things “stolen”
can be a serious problem.
Now, I trust the people I live with and I don’t really suspect
that housekeeping would take any of my personal items, but it
is my duty as a detective to get to the root of where all my lost
things go.
I sat down today for a conversation on this subject with my roommate,
T.J. Dreves ’06:
Freed: T.J., did you steal all of my things?
Dreves: No.
Freed: You appeared a little nervous when you said that. Are you
sure you didn’t steal my things?
Dreves: Yeah.
Having interrogated my roommate, I can only assume that my keys,
toiletries, and shirt have gone to that special place where my
first Koosh ball went so many years ago…the Land of Lost
Things. For me, this land looks like a landfill piling halfway
to the moon. Countless jackets, clothes, shoes, keys and souvenirs
have ended up in this Land of the Lost, and the pile only accumulates
more every day. Yesterday it was my keys, today it was my razor,
tomorrow it may be my bed.
Hell, I might even lose Pomona. I’ll come back from a walk
into town and the college will be gone, misplaced or taken by
some jerk. It’s hard to tell what sick and twisted things
people might do.
Losing things is not unique to me, however. Numerous Sagehens
have suffered losses exceeding mine.
“I often lose my card, I lose notebooks, clothing…I
lose lots of clothing,” said Constance Harrell ’05.
“I’ve lost flip-flops, watches. Now I don’t
even replace them because I figure I’ll lose them again.
I also stopped wearing jackets at parties because I’ll lose
them. So I end up cold.”
Harrell, like I, blames her self for losing so many things but
thinks that people do take items if they’re left lying around
long enough.
Is there a place for all of us poor losers to look? “You’re
supposed to look at Campus Safety but that’s complete bullshit,”
Harrell said. “I’ve lost 50 items and not one has
been there.”
Other than that, students can try leaving messages on the digester.
Occasionally, students can get lucky and their lost goods will
just show up. “I left my sweater here when I visited on
prospect, but I found my sponsor wearing it when I came to school
here,” Harrel said.
Harrell noted one last anecdote as the interview wound down. “I
thought the housekeeping stole my toothbrush and toothpaste once,
and then I found out that the mirrors are actually medicine cabinets
and they were in there.”
Wait a minute…mirrors are medicine cabinets? I’ll
be right back.
Holy shit! My toothbrush! My toothpaste! My razor! My cup!
Okay, so maybe things do just show up once in awhile. But the
key to finding things is in not losing them in the first place.
Especially keys, because those are expensive.
And even if you do lose important things, don’t let it affect
your psyche or dwell on your loss. Know that your jacket, shoe
or card is in a better place now—in that great Land of Lost
Things in the sky. Listen to writer and visionary Elbert Hubbard,
who once said “The cheerful loser is the winner.”
And remember to always check your medicine cabinet.
