It will be easy for Pomona-Pitzer’s men’s divers to improve over their performance last season: last season there was no team.

The result was that Coach Troyer’s men’s swim team found it tough to compete against squads that could win full points in the diving section of each competition.

"We were really hurt by the fact that we couldn’t get any points from the divers last year," Troyer said. "This year these guys could make a lot of difference."

‘These guys’ are David Bates ’05 and Neil Bertrando ’02. These two mighty Sagehens will try to fill the gap that plagued last year’s team.

The team could also provide the storyline to a straight-to-video movie classic. The cast of characters are all in place; all we need now is a little Sagehen Magic.

Role: The Luvable, Down-on-his-luck Coach

Played by: Burt Reynolds or Sean Connery

Coach Troyer has been around for a long time and seen a lot of great teams pass through Haldeman. Lately, the team has fallen on tough times, but before he retires, Troyer wants one more shot at SCIAC glory. One scene will include Troyer pleading for more funds from President Stanley (played by a Disney Animatronic Robot) Not only will Stanley deny the funds, he’ll tell Troyer that if he can’t win the championship this year, Haldeman will be knocked down and turned into an illegal sweatshop that produces Sagehen t-shirts and sweatshirts (and pajama pants).

Role: Cold War Relic Reborn As American Patriot

Played by: Some anonymous Russian actor

This is coach Gugo’s first year as a diving coach at Pomona College. Neither Coach Troyer nor any member of the team is actually sure of what his last name is. He is approximately thirty years old, but again, no one is exactly sure. Back in the days of the Iron Curtain, he dove in the Soviet Nationals. Now, after emigrating to America, he coaches diving at the 5-Cs and pursues the American dream. In the movie, Coach Gugo would always wear an old Red Army hat to practices and meets. He would always be asking Coach Troyer to take him to Disneyland. And in the end he would fall in love with an old member of the Baywatch cast.

Freshman David Bates

Role: Hot-Shot Rookie

Played by: Elijah Wood

Dave is the young phenom trying to learn the ropes in the SCIAC. He’s the only member of the squad with any diving experience. He competed in a tough league in Minnesota, one that he says was "tougher than the SCIAC." Dave said that "he’s really excited to be diving here," and he’s "looking forward to helping out the team." In the movie Dave would be the really consistent diver. At some point in the season, he would get hurt, but he would overcome his injury and help the team compete for the championship.

Role: The Natural Talent

Played by: Pauli Shore

Neil was discovered by Coach Troyer one day at open swim. Neil was doing mad flips off the diving board, and Coach Troyer was astounded by his natural diving ability. Coach Gugo will try to mold his raw talent into a real diver. One of the scenes in the movie would be a montage of all Neil’s attempted dives that ended up being belly-flops. The camera would cut to Troyer, who can only bury his head in his hands as water splashes all around him. In the final scene, the team would be down by 29 points, and Neil would need a perfect score to win it. He would stand on the top of the board surrounded by stands full of people. Suddenly, he would flash back to his days at Haldemen, when he was the lone man at Tuesday afternoon open swim. Suddenly inspired, Neil would yell "Chirp!" And then he would nail the perfect dive.

In a recent meet at Redlands, David placed third in the one meter dive competition.

He didn’t compete in the three meter competition, but that should happen in the future. "I want to get stronger with the three-meter before I go out there," David said "I did it a little in the off-season, so I should be able to start competing pretty soon."

Although Bertrando and Bates are technically on the same team, they haven’t met yet. "Yeah, some kid named Neil called me last week to ask me where practice is. I don’t think he ever showed up."

But not showing up was the story of last year’s team.

This year, Bates and Bertrando will triumph. And Coach Gugo may just get a taste of the American dream.