Last weekend the Martin Lawrence film Black Knight opened in theatres, thereby proving my theory that the Hollywood creative process is run entirely by penguins in clown suits. One of these monkeys must have taken enough time out of his busy workload of swinging on cubicles and setting things on fire to throw some of his own feces at the Plot Idea Board, with little bits landing on ‘soul brotha’ and ‘mediaeval England’ respectively. But how could two such disparate themes plausibly come together? Surely you jest. Like Hollywood ever needed a plausible reason for Jungle 2 Jungle.

If logic could be applied to this situation, I would argue that Hollywood is simply trying to duplicate the successes of Plan 9 From Outer Space by trying to create the Worst Movie Ever. Well, maybe if Martin Lawrence suffered a platypus-related injury halfway through the filming and his vampire character was replaced by a non-look-alike that had to crawl around shielding his face, then they might have had something. Say what you want about Ed Wood, but that man totally revolutionized the radical deconstruction of the hegemonic doxa relating to superstructural qualitative narratives. And if you have any idea what that means, I will give you a cookie.

Well, let’s continue to pretend for a few minutes that producers are actually looking for the next worst thing to turn into a cult classic. With that in mind, here are some suggestions I humbly offer unto Robin Williams, Mario van Peebles, et al:

Leave it to Cleaver: a pedophiliac serial killer is magically sent back in time into 1950s suburbia, where he must masquerade as the father of the whitebread Reynolds family so that he might befriend a budding scientist who could conceivably create a time machine to send him home. Will our (anti)hero’s pedophiliac ways rub off on his adopted children, or might he perhaps learn a little something about culturally acceptable love from the town he finds himself in? Starring Patrick Swayze, look for this film’s release on Christmas Day, on a double billing with Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Snatch.

Aerospace Bud: In the year 2500, Earth’s colonies are under attack by a marauding alien force. Only one being can lead the human Starfleet to success: a golden retriever named Bud. Thrill to the edge-of-your-seat space battles controlled under Bud’s steady paw; sympathize as Bud takes heat from his species-ist commander and rival wingmen. And steel yourselves for the biggest surprise of all: are the invading aliens actually–other golden retrievers…? Co-starring David Arquette.

WWF Lord of the Ring: OK, I don’t really know anything about wrestling or the Lord of the Rings, but just picture a mix of the two. I dunno, something like Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock traveling through the wastelands of Nevada looking for one ring to rule them all, or whatever. Maybe that one announcer guy could be the bad dude, Sauron or whatever. Shit, I wish I knew more names. Well, it’d be cool to see an invisible body-slam, anyway.

Terminator 3: Syndication Day: The Terminator (Brendan Fraser) must travel back in time to save a failing public access television station which could be instrumental to John Connor’s future success against Skylab. Using only a shoestring budget and a ragtag but eager group of community workers, will the Terminator be able to develop exciting new talk shows and children’s programming to win over the hearts of southeast Akron, Ohio? Watch for exciting cameos by Weird Al Yankovic and Michael Richards.

Prospero’s Books: imagine a radical reinterpretation of Shakespeare’s The Tempest, except with every line from the play recited by one grizzled old man surrounded by overweight naked dancers and little boys pissing on boats. Thrill to the constant visceral onslaught of over-the-top visuals and effects, creating a never-subsiding plateau of eyeball assault that induces both nausea and insanity in the viewer. Impossible, you say? Wrong. I had to watch this movie in Media Studies this semester, and if you find it hard to make sense of anything I say anymore, this movie is to blame. If movies like this have already been created, then Cop and a Half 2: Out For Bubble Gum can’t be far behind, mark my words.