In a bizarre annual tradition, those lovable lemmings, what with their green hair and blue sweater dresses, play follow-the-leader and migrate in a single-file line over a cliff and straight to the bottom of the sea. But in the computer game Lemmings by Psygnosis, you can save them from death by guiding the wacky creatures on their romp through 120 levels of intellectually challenging gameplay.

Otherwise, the madcap rodents will continue to march straight to hell. You would think that, at some point, those silly animals would stop to realize the error of their ways and cancel the yearly field trip to their watery Pacific grave. Of course, the problem is that lemmings don’t think. Their cute little brains just don’t have the raw processing power that the human noggin has...or do they? Ha.

Turns out that lots of us college kids have yet to figure out that the pain and suffering of deadlines follows a fairly normal process. At the beginning of each semester, lots of Pomona kids are nice and refreshed from their European vacations (courtesy of Daddy Warbucks), and are eager to resume learning how to one day take over the world.

The stress levels on-campus remain fairly low until midterms approach, when they rapidly rise, like a penis. After hitting a peak during midterms, these stress levels shrink, like a penis, until they’re back to their pre-midterm levels. The process repeats for each wave of midterms so that if we were to graph stress on the y-axis and time on the x-axis, we would get something resembling a sine curve.

Eventually, the accumulated wear and tear of the semester takes its bloody toll on most students just before the deadlines for final papers, projects, and exams rises over the proverbial horizon on its fiery path through the heavens. What results is hardcore anxiety that Suzanna E. Kim ’02 described as "a ball of stress inside me that’s about to implode."

Other people variously described their current feelings as "pretty much suicidal," "a throbbing in my head that makes me want to drill into it," and "like I’m supporting the weight of the world on my broad, manly shoulders and I don’t have the time to sleep or eat or do anything else."

Surprisingly, several people claimed they didn’t feel much pressure at all. Kathryn J. Hooper ’04 declared outright that she felt "stressless." When asked how she maintained zero stress, she explained, "It all comes down to my heavy campaign of ignoring the fact that I actually have work, finals, or classes at all for that matter."

"I see other people reacting to stress, and it doesn’t look pretty," said Hooper. She later revealed that she was still very much aware of the likely results of her double-thinking when she whispered, "I figure that the consequences of my campaign of ignorance will be bad grades. But with grade inflation I’ll probably do just as well as someone a little bit less intelligent but slightly more studious."

Alexis A. Viene ’04 also proclaimed that she was not in the least bit worried about the end of this semester, but for a different reason. Whereas Hooper’s carefree attitude was the product of determined ignorance, Viene’s calmness was because she always tried to keep the "big picture" in mind.

Viene explained, "I don’t really care enough to let it get to me–I rationalize everything, and I realize that it’s just a test, just school, and just another day. In the long run, it doesn’t really matter." Furthermore, Viene said, "my life goal is to live in a bamboo hut in a rainforest, so I don’t have too much at stake." Both Viene’s and Hooper’s comments seem to share a common origin though. Viene’s comments mirrored Hooper’s when she said, "I saw how my friends were so insanely competitive and I knew that’s not how I wanted to be."

Only one person interviewed for this article, Ian Kemper ’06, a senior at Catonsville High School and potential Pomona College student, broke the mold of a procrastinating teenager/young adult. He said he prevented stress through efficient time management by "studying every night and making sure I know everything I’m supposed to."

In conclusion, I’d like to leave you, gentle reader, with a personal stress-relief strategy that may be untested but, like communism, should theoretically work. When you’re feeling especially stressed and start to consider the sweet afterlife, take a time-out and curl up into a fetal position for a nap, preferably in someone else’s bed. Then, when your secret crush comes back to find you in their bed, one of two possible scenarios will occur.

Either hilarity will ensue and you’ll both share a hearty laugh and possibly sex, or the horrible awkwardness of being found in a stranger’s bed, wearing his or her pajamas, will force you to run back to your own room with your head hung in shame. Regardless, you’ll feel a lot better since laughter is the best medicine. Oh wait. When I say, "you’ll feel a lot better," I mean I’ll feel better when I laugh at your crazy hijinks. My mistake.