The cookies were a generic take on the Oreo. The name was FMV (or For Maximum Value) as it explained below. It was the simple equation of two chocolate biscuits plus a cream filled center equaled one hell of a good time.

While the cookie to cream ratio was disproportionately higher than that of the flagship Nabisco snack treat, both were equally tasty and the effect was the same: small sugar morsels coating themselves onto my tooth enamel and seeping slowly into my gums where they would crystallize, forming the substance commonly referred to as plac, which eventually leads to the gum disease gingivitis.

But, of course, we already all know this after countless trips to the dentist. What much of the otherwise knowledgeable student body doesn’t know is that the biggest event in theme group history went down this past Friday.

The first ever Powder Puff Football game, the female equivalent to men’s drunken softball, was played at Strehle Track to a sizeable crowd, comparable to that of a typical Pomona-Pitzer football game. The Mud, Blood, Guts, and Glory theme group composed of sophomores Janice Kang, Nobu Koch, Elizabeth Holly, and Amy Bertken, reviving the alternative fall classic which, many thought, was a thing of high school times past.

The MBG&G theme group spent over two weeks organizing this event that came together in an afternoon extravaganza of football, food and fun. Pomona-Pitzer Head Coach Roger Caron refereed and ex-footballers served as coaches, Isaac Zones even announced. Over fifty women signed up to play and sophomore support was so strong that they fielded a complete team that took on a more experienced freshman, junior, senior team.

While stats are not taken for Powder Puff, I will make them up. Wait, I mean to say that, informally, the sophomores lost by a score of 35-0. Ashley Thompson ’03 ran and threw for a few touchdowns and was arguably the game’s prime time player. Senior Susan Houge ended her college sports career in blazing fashion and, while making some tremendous hits and key interceptions on defense, also most likely ended up as the game’s leading rusher with, I’ll go out on a limb here with this figure, but around 416 yards.

I was personally surprised by the dominance on the frosh, juniors, and seniors. The sophomores seemed to have their act more together at the beginning, even working out a choreographed cheer/dance that featured little more than butt-wiggling and arm-waving, but was nonetheless formulated with the intent of spreading intimidation.

I was hungry that day and reached for some more FMV cookies. As I felt the chocolate biscuit crumble slightly in my hand, I licked my anxious lips, anticipating the arrival of the sugary sweetness onto my tongue.

Lauren Salvail ’03 simultaneously flung back her golden hair, a few sweaty strands remained clinging to her skin like eager lovers unwilling to relent. My incisors met the cookie with a ferocious cut that split FMV right in half, unfortunate crumbs falling down my throat to pool of stomach acid that would disintegrate them into quickly but gruesomely into human waste.

My eyes turned away from the disembodied remains of the cookie in my hand still back to the field where Lauren, as if on cue, delivered a vicious hit onto sophomore quarterback Sarah Calhourn, that sent both players flying to the grass, their beautiful hair now tangled and frenetically shooting in all directions from their scalps, as if trying to escape the certain violent contact that their arrival onto the hard ground would bring.

What is my point, you then ask? Sex and violence are not only the point to this story, but the reasons that we pay thousands for those rinkside seats at Ranger games, the reason Vince McMahon ever thought the XFL could be a legitimate realization, the reason Anna Kournikova gets top billing even though she hasn’t won anything, and the reason that Jean Claude Van-Damme can pull off a mullet in the year 2001.

Yes, those FMV cookies may have used more high fructose corn syrup than partially hydrogenated coconut oil resulting in the slightly drier but sweeter taste than the Oreo, but nonetheless it was giving me the sugar I needed to make it through the day. Yes, women’s powder puff football may be played at a sloppier, more comical level than men’s football, but it was giving the public what they wanted to see and players the healthy dose of brutal contact that they needed to make it through humanity.