MAINTENANCE IS GETTING PRETTY SICK AND TIRED OF BEING ADVISED.

11/8 8:36 a.m.

An intrusion alarm goes off at Harwood Court. Officers discover a broken bathroom screen. Maintenance is advised.

CMC STUDENTS RUN CONSERVATIVELY (EFFEMINATELY).

11/8 4:55 p.m.

Officers find a bag on a bench on 6th street. It belongs to a CMC student who runs back to retrieve it.

SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT!

11/9 3:29 p.m.

The front wheel of a bicycle is reported stolen from the rack at Smith Campus Center. The rest of the bike is still locked to the rack.

DETERMINED POMONA STUDENTS GO AWOL.

11/9 10:26 p.m.

An officer checks a large group with open containers of alcohol at the wash. They are determined to be from off-campus. They are advised they are trespassing and are escorted off campus.

MODERATE DRINKING: PREVENTS HEART DISEASE.

HEAVY DRINKING: MAKES YOU INVISIBLE.

11/10 1:55 a.m.

A student requests officers look for her friend who is very drunk and hasn’t been seen since 9:00 p.m. Officers are unable to locate the missing student.

...AND THAT GLASS REPAIRMAN WAS A LITTLE GUY NAMED JESUS.

11/10 5:12 p.m.

Officers respond to a report that someone kicked and broke a glass pane near the front door of Wig. A glass repairman is called and fixes the damage.

MASTURBATION WEEK STRIKES AGAIN... BIRTHDAY STYLE.

11/10 11:13 p.m.

A student reports that several students have open containers and are singing "Happy Birthday" in a Clark V courtyard. Officers respond and find beer cans in the courtyard, but the students have moved inside.

WE WISH MORE PEOPLE HAD WHIPS.

11/11 12:40 a.m.

A student reports someone pushed him and hit him with a whip at a party at Smith Campus Center. The assailant is identified and says that he wouldn’t allow the student to enter because he wasn’t dressed appropriately. The student requests Claremont Police respond. They do, but no charges are filed.

BY FUTURE REFERENCE, SHE MEANS MASTURBATION.

11/11 12:51 a.m.

A car is reported vandalized in LeBus Alley. The reporting party advises that someone has spit on her vehicle and she can observe "obvious saliva on the driver’s side window." She has a picture of the saliva for future reference.

THE BUILDING MANAGER HAD BETTER KEEP HIS BIG MOUTH SHUT FROM NOW ON.

11/11 1:30 a.m.

The Smith Campus Center building manager reports vandalism in the Rose Hills Theater after a party. Students broke a chalkboard and hit the movie screen, leaving visible marks. A toilet seat cover from the men’s restroom is also missing.

Q. HOW MANY STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO THROW A BEER CAN?

A. SEVENTY.

11/11 1:45 a.m.

An off-campus person reports two broken windowpanes at Walker Hall. Seventy students were seen outside at the time the windows were broken. Officers find a full beer can near the base of the window, which may have been used to cause the damage.

HAKUNA MATADA, WHAT A WONDERFUL PHRASE! (IT MEANS NO WORRIES)

11/11 3:37 a.m.

Officers respond to a noise complaint from Norton-Clark’s basement. An RA was advised, spoke with the group, and allowed them to stay in the social room as long as there were no further noise complaints.

...FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS!

11/11 5:11 a.m.

A housekeeper reports a possibly drunk man yelling at housekeepers. Officers are unable to locate him.

INVISIBLE... MOVES THROUGH GLASS WINDOWS... IT JUST HAS TO BE IXTHYS, THE CHRIST CHILD: LORD OF LORDS AND SAVIOUR OF MEN... AND PONIES!

11/12 12:03 a.m.

An unknown male is reported trying to break in through windows at Wig. Officers are unable to locate him.

IT’S A GHOST FAMILY!

11/12 10:53 a.m.

Officers respond to a report of a family taking pictures on the north side of Sumner House. Nothing is found.

HE WAS PROBABLY JUST ON HIS WAY TO CLASS.

11/12 10:57 a.m.

Officers report a male carrying an empty gray backpack walking north near Smith Campus Center for no apparent reason. Officers follow the man until he leaves campus.

A TREE OR A LIGHT POLE, MAYBE. BUT A TREE AND A LIGHT POLE?

11/12 11:13 p.m.

Officers respond to a non-injury traffic collision in the 200 block of East Sixth Street in front of Rains Center. A car ran into a tree and a light pole. When officers arrived the car had left the scene. The driver was wearing a Sagehen Café t-shirt. Claremont Police also responded, but didn’t have enough information to take a report.