Apparently, some of my readers feel that, in writing this column, I have lost all what little self-respect and dignity remaining in my shallow and trite existence. "Have a little pride," they say. "You’re not that disappointing in bed," others remark. Ergo, I have decided to present a little known side of myself in honor of this special A&F issue. I will now present to you: Benny, Sex God.

In an attempt to take narcissism to a new level, I now betray the trust of an old friend in order that you-the reading public-can understand how truly desirable a drunk Russian major can be. The following is an email that I received, and yes it is real (I have a copy framed on my wall). The time: winter break 2000. The setting: Amherst Regional High School (take that, freshmen). The plot: a scrumptious high school senior awaits my return…oh so eagerly. The subject? "Wanting you." Here goes:

As the snow falls ever so delicately on the New England landscape, a group of students rehearse in the high school auditorium. A lone alumnus opens the doors to his alma mater. As he removes the gloves made of black leather from his strong and weathered hands, he sees a high school senior glance his way. Their eyes meet. A moment is shared. It is not love they share, only the pure unadulterated feelings of sexual desire. She is unable to resist his raw animal magnetism and beckons him towards her with one subtle motion of her young lips.

Yes, this alumnus is me. I could continue in the above fashion, thanks to my step-mother’s affinity for trashy romance novels. I have decided to save you the pain. This lucky lady sent me an email not so long ago, and yes, it is real. Now I think it is best to just sit back and read this email. Notice how she repeats herself at the end.

Ok Ben,

I know I just saw you, but I needed to write you before I forgot this mood I was in – lust, I believe it’s called. I was somewhat unsatisfied with our goodbye, I wish I could have walked you to your car ... alone ... in the dark ... you get my drift. Somehow I think that the idea of "goodbye" would have pushed me to do something I know I shouldn’t but that I really desire. Yes, desire, Ben. I don’t know what it is about you, ordinarily a guy like you would disgust me but for some reason you flatter me. Flatter me, yeah, it’s more than that, you turn me on so much. You have no idea how much I did want to just leave with you and let the inevitable happen but I just couldn’t deal with the aftermath ...people around here are pretty perceptive and I don’t think I could have gotten away with that. But you have no idea what a better evening this was than what I expected, even if nothing happened. But what can you do, it just leaves me hoping for more next time, right? And believe me, there will be a next time. Just remind me of the way I’m feeling right now, and I’ll do whatever you please. So please, Ben, contact me when you return, or whenever you get the ...urge. Even when I was obsessed with Andrew for 2+ years, it was never completely, utterly sexual the way it is with you. I might even have to say the truth, that I want you more (and that’s a big step). So, Ben, I gotta go and sleep and all that, but please, contact me. And yeah, you can tie me up anytime, I’d love to be dominated by you (just not in the auditorium in front of everyone). I’m here.

Lauren

Oh yeah, this girl was hot too.