Let’s start with the basics: we live in a culture that values thinness. Fat is, in fact, desired–as long as it resides in certain places on the body.

Whether you’ve seen her in the gym or smoking a cigarette, if she’s thin, she’s more beautiful. Whether you’ve seen her in the gym or eating a piece of cake, if she’s fat, she’s sexually invisible. Ask yourself if it is really worth it for a fat woman to get dressed up for a Friday night party. Does it really matter if she’s dressed in a short black dress, or jeans and an oversized t-shirt? Would you even notice her next to her thin friend? Do you make small talk with her, in hopes of impressing her friend?

Getting ready for a party can be a lengthy process–dressing and make-up can take an hour. The perfect dress and just the right amount of make-up, evenly applied, are essential. Getting ready with a bunch of other people is often most of the fun. People exchange dresses and bras and shoes and everyone helps each other find the perfect outfit. Yet, I can’t exchange clothes with thin friends, often half my size, and my closet is the limit of my choices, so there had better be something there. And once I am done putting on the best thing I find in my closet (see the end of this article for some great places to shop for sexy clothes for fat women), I no longer get any attention. I am invisible — at best there to judge the sexiness of everyone else’s outfits. Next is the make-up. No amount of make-up will ever make me look thin, and thus once my basic make-up job is done, the only thing left is maybe a deeper shade of red lipstick borrowed from a thin friend, because make-up does not come in sizing. This is not to say that a fat woman cannot look damn sexy, in fact just as sexy or more so than the thin girls. My point is that finding party clothes that fit is difficult, and they often are more expensive than the cheap party clothes available for thin women. Also, thin women are by far considered for more sexy and more sexual on campus (most anywhere, really), and thus it is quickly made clear that thin women are the only ones who have to dress up, because they are they one ones that will be going home with someone that night.

These days I’m pretty set in my group of friends, but when I was still meeting lots of new people, here and elsewhere, there was a very common, consistent pattern that was blatantly and painfully obvious. My thin friends got all the attention. In fact, people could manage whole dinner conversations talking as though to both of us, but never once looking at me. Never once. It’s actually quite impressive. And terribly disheartening. Though I have been teased about my weight all my life, this was a time when I became quite depressed. Ignored every day and only fringe at parties, I was convinced I was unlovable, except as the sidekick of a thin friend.

Over half of the women surveyed between the ages of 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than to be fat, and two-thirds would choose to be mean or stupid rather than fat. (Source: Big Fat Lies: The Truth About Your Weight and Your Health, Glenn Gaesser, Ph.D.)

Fat women are twice as likely to enjoy sex and to reach orgasm, compared to thin women. 85 percent of fat women surveyed said they enjoy sex, compared to only 40 to 45 percent of thin women who said they did. And 70 percent of fat women said they almost always have orgasms, compared to 29 percent of thin women.

There’s something I call "thin girl logic." It doesn’t happen with every thin friend I have, but it’s common enough to deserve a name.

Often, while bemoaning their looks, my thin friends will comment on their weight. They’ll say they’ve gained weight or that an outfit makes them look fat, complaining that this makes them entirely unattractive. It’s a common complaint.

The lapse in logic comes when they comment on my appearance. "You look sexy," "You hooking up tonight?" and "That looks great on you," are all statements that get directed towards me, and as far as I can tell, my friends mean them. But, there is never any explanation of why fat is something bad when it gets too close to them, but it’s perfectly acceptable on me. And there’s never an acknowledgement of the fact that seeing fat as inherently unattractive is the same as seeing me as inherently unattractive.

My only question is, if fat is such a scary thing–and there’s no denying that many people think it is–then why do my friends think I exist outside of that standard? As a fat woman, I often feel like I am on the outskirts of the common standards of beauty. I’ll never be thin, so the acceptable range of what’s attractive will never apply to me, and when I am considered attractive, it often feels like it’s just because I’m playing by different rules than my thin friends.

I’m extremely confident. I wear whatever I want. I’ll flirt with anyone, anywhere. But I’ve developed these aspects of my personality to compensate for the fact that when people look at me, they do not see a sexual being. When you’re fat, you have to fight for your sexuality because there is no mainstream validation of it.

On campus, when I go to parties, I don’t expect to hook up with anyone. Experience has taught me that I can be as flirtatious and charming as I want, and it won’t make a difference in how people see me sexually. I’m a friend, sometimes even a maternal figure, but rarely am I seen in a sexual light. Fat girls have constantly been told to just wait until they are out of school to date because kids are too caught up in looks to notice other good qualities.

Frankly, I don’t want anyone who has to look past my looks to be attracted to me. I’m tired of being told I have a pretty face or having people notice my breasts, only to find that they’re unable to forgive my large hips. As a fat woman, I’ve had to make people notice me in order to get attention because we’ve all been taught that fat is undesirable.